Teen Wolf and I go way back. Not "when it first came out in 1985" back; more like "when I found the film and its equally cheap sequel on DVD for $5 in the early aughts." That was where we first met. I was about twelve years old, an awkward, asexual kid who had discovered the brilliant psych-porn that is transformation fiction. I loved it; it made me feel all weird inside in a non-sexual but completely awesome way. That alone wouldn't have pushed me into buying the film, but there were other factors: firstly, I had fairly limited tastes in TF that were hard to come by on the Interwebs, and secondly, Michael J. Fox.
So I bought the movies, and I loved it. I knew even then that it wasn't a great film, but that paled in light of oh my gosh transformation sequence. I watched the movie and its sequel several times, partially because I liked looking at the protagonists, and partly because just watching the transformations made me feel cheap somehow. Teen Wolf was truly my porn film.
That lasted for about two years, I think. I was always on a little shaky ground with the movies - the prosthetics were terrible and the stories were cheap - and as I got older it became harder and harder to ignore the glaringly bad production values. I ended up giving away the DVD's, and that was pretty much that.
Fast-forward to 2011. I'm now an adult, with an entire Internet of infinitely better entertainment at my fingertips (not that that stopped me from watching films like Wes Craven's Swamp Thing). And I find out that MTV, bastion of cheap entertainment for frustrated white teenagers, is making a TV show adaptation of this film. A Darker and Edgier show adaptation which was guaranteed to have almost nothing to do with the original movie.
At first I was like, "Well, this is going to be horrible." (Links to MyFaceWhen)
And then I was like, "Who cares? It's a frikkin' werewolf show!"
Okay, yeah. At the Very Mature Age of twenty-one, it turns out I still like the same stuff I did at thirteen. My tastes are a little more expensive now, but amazingly, I never lost the willingness to subject myself to things that I knew were going to be terrible and enjoy doing it. (Also, they bribed me with shirtless men. Have I mentioned I am no longer asexual?)
So I pretty much knew that I was going to have to watch the show, and I knew that it was going to be a sickening celebration of white, straight, cisgender, able-bodied, good-looking manhood. So I thought to myself, hey, I'm bloggin' the social justice, why don't I do a breakdown of the show?
So that's what I'm going to do.
Now, before we get into the show (which consists of one episode at the moment), we need to get into the source material. After all, Teen Wolf doesn't just take its name from this campy 80's movie, oh no. It also takes several character names, the approximate location, and various thematic elements, as well as containing several visual shout-outs to the original film. So before I review the show, I have to at least describe the movie.
So, without further ado, here is Teen Wolf: The Movie.
The plot: Scott Howard, introduced in a bizarre opening sequence that is about a decade too late for its effects, is a sweaty, nervous basketball player. Of the kind that looks like he's going to die on the field. He's small and skinny, and is constantly being physically dominated by a rival team's captain, Mick; basically, he is at the bottom of the basketball-team pecking order. (Despite this, he is somehow an important part of the basketball team - so important that the coach refuses to let him quit. Lolwut.) Scott's best friends are "Stiles," a kid who was indie before it became popular, and "Boof," who is also indie and just plain awesome. His life consists of playing basketball, delivering hardware, attending ludicrously oversexed parties, and failing to get the attention of classmate Pamela, who is Mick's girlfriend. Pamela's Magical Thin Blondeness is enough to distract Scott from the overtures of Boof, who is obviously desperate to get into his pants and wishing that he would just get the hint already.
Not realizing what he's got, Scott is dissatisfied with his life - "sick of being so average," as he puts it. Well, lucky him, that is all about to change.
Suddenly, things start happening to Scott. He starts hearing things he shouldn't - like a dog whistle that some wiseass kid declares "broken." He finds a few strands of strangely isolated hairs growing out of his chest. Parts of him start transforming for no reason, especially when he is nervous or excited (see: anywhere near Pamela.) All of these Strange Happenings peak on the full moon, when he arrives home from one of the aforementioned parties just in time to transform into a miniature Bigfoot - I mean, a werewolf. Yeah, turns out that it runs in the family and his dad was just hiding it from him. Jerk.
(The transformation sequence is cheap, and contains ludicrous amounts of makeup and hey, air bladders! Still, it's worth catching for MJF's overacting.)
He finds this awkward at first, but soon realizes that being a werewolf has certain advantages. He gains significant physical prowess, loses many of the insecurities that plagued him before, and discovers that nearly everyone wants to give him services of varying kinds in exchange for affiliation with the great Teen Wolf (coined by Stiles, who turns out to be a fame-grubbing turkeybag). The lone exceptions are Boof, who tries to point out how ludicrous the situation is, Mick, and Principal Thorn, who carries an inexplicable hatred for Scott.
Aside from those two dim spots, though, life is pretty good. His mad skillz are propelling the formerly shitty basketball team to stardom, and he even gets a role in the school play, which gets him close to Pamela - who is all too happy to schtoink him now that he's popular. (Apparently the body hair is also a turn-on.)
It ain't all sunshine and sparkles, of course. Boof is put off by Scott's newfound ego trip, and his basketball teammates are cheesed off that he is dominating every game. And it keeps getting worse. Mick, in a fit of jealousy over Pamela, reveals that he murdered Scott's mother for stealing chickens from his yard. Pamela reveals that she has no interest in a relationship with Scott and was just diddling him for a thrill. His friend Louis is afraid to be around him, and his dad isn't happy about the fact that he's been blowing off work.
And to top it off, he's not even that happy with it. The fame is awesome and all, but it turns out that the pressure of being Teen Wolf is more than Scott really wants to deal with. (Poor baby.) When Boof refuses to attend the Spring Dance with him unless he goes in human form, he starts to re-think his priorities. But only a little bit. Fame is important, you know!
Scott's real turning point happens at the dance, when Mick attacks him for the crime of being attractive to Pamela. Scott wolfs out and uncontrollably shreds Mick's shirt, then realizes that Louis' fears were not unfounded - and that the audience is loving his violent side (and, more worryingly, that Pamela is the only one who has it straight). This finally causes the message to sink in that, gee, maybe people really do just like him for very screwed-up reasons, and he decides to quit wolfing out for fame. (The drama teacher seconds this point.) He plays his next basketball game as an ordinary human, and the team manages to win through a combination of inspiring speeches and the power of love. And they all live happily ever after.
Oh, and Scott's dad gets Thorn off his back by growling at him and making him wet his pants. (They had history.)
I'm not going to do a full review here, because that would take up another blog post. I will say that, unless you're really dying for a werewolf fix, this movie is completely missable. It has a few clever moments, but it never really amounts to anything great (and throws in some overt acts of racism and homophobia for good measure). For MTV to make their show better than this movie would be less of an achievement and more a given. Honestly, I'm surprised that they're not completely embarrassed to even be affiliated with it.
So, that's Teen Wolf the movie. Next time, I actually review the show.
Not realizing what he's got, Scott is dissatisfied with his life - "sick of being so average," as he puts it. Well, lucky him, that is all about to change.
Suddenly, things start happening to Scott. He starts hearing things he shouldn't - like a dog whistle that some wiseass kid declares "broken." He finds a few strands of strangely isolated hairs growing out of his chest. Parts of him start transforming for no reason, especially when he is nervous or excited (see: anywhere near Pamela.) All of these Strange Happenings peak on the full moon, when he arrives home from one of the aforementioned parties just in time to transform into a miniature Bigfoot - I mean, a werewolf. Yeah, turns out that it runs in the family and his dad was just hiding it from him. Jerk.
(The transformation sequence is cheap, and contains ludicrous amounts of makeup and hey, air bladders! Still, it's worth catching for MJF's overacting.)
He finds this awkward at first, but soon realizes that being a werewolf has certain advantages. He gains significant physical prowess, loses many of the insecurities that plagued him before, and discovers that nearly everyone wants to give him services of varying kinds in exchange for affiliation with the great Teen Wolf (coined by Stiles, who turns out to be a fame-grubbing turkeybag). The lone exceptions are Boof, who tries to point out how ludicrous the situation is, Mick, and Principal Thorn, who carries an inexplicable hatred for Scott.
Aside from those two dim spots, though, life is pretty good. His mad skillz are propelling the formerly shitty basketball team to stardom, and he even gets a role in the school play, which gets him close to Pamela - who is all too happy to schtoink him now that he's popular. (Apparently the body hair is also a turn-on.)
It ain't all sunshine and sparkles, of course. Boof is put off by Scott's newfound ego trip, and his basketball teammates are cheesed off that he is dominating every game. And it keeps getting worse. Mick, in a fit of jealousy over Pamela, reveals that he murdered Scott's mother for stealing chickens from his yard. Pamela reveals that she has no interest in a relationship with Scott and was just diddling him for a thrill. His friend Louis is afraid to be around him, and his dad isn't happy about the fact that he's been blowing off work.
And to top it off, he's not even that happy with it. The fame is awesome and all, but it turns out that the pressure of being Teen Wolf is more than Scott really wants to deal with. (Poor baby.) When Boof refuses to attend the Spring Dance with him unless he goes in human form, he starts to re-think his priorities. But only a little bit. Fame is important, you know!
Scott's real turning point happens at the dance, when Mick attacks him for the crime of being attractive to Pamela. Scott wolfs out and uncontrollably shreds Mick's shirt, then realizes that Louis' fears were not unfounded - and that the audience is loving his violent side (and, more worryingly, that Pamela is the only one who has it straight). This finally causes the message to sink in that, gee, maybe people really do just like him for very screwed-up reasons, and he decides to quit wolfing out for fame. (The drama teacher seconds this point.) He plays his next basketball game as an ordinary human, and the team manages to win through a combination of inspiring speeches and the power of love. And they all live happily ever after.
Oh, and Scott's dad gets Thorn off his back by growling at him and making him wet his pants. (They had history.)
I'm not going to do a full review here, because that would take up another blog post. I will say that, unless you're really dying for a werewolf fix, this movie is completely missable. It has a few clever moments, but it never really amounts to anything great (and throws in some overt acts of racism and homophobia for good measure). For MTV to make their show better than this movie would be less of an achievement and more a given. Honestly, I'm surprised that they're not completely embarrassed to even be affiliated with it.
So, that's Teen Wolf the movie. Next time, I actually review the show.
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