Teen Wolf Review: Part Two - Episode 1

Now that I've gotten the film summary out of the way (which involved seeing it again - sweet baby cheeses, I had bad taste when I was thirteen) it's time for me to start with the actual TV show. Please, please let this be better.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

The first episode of Teen Wolf is the introductory episode. It starts with a brief shot of some policemen, followed by a close-up of a guy fixing his lacrosse stick. This guy is our hero, Scott McCall. (They kept the first name from the movie, but changed the last name. Why, I couldn't say.) Scott, whose bare chest is sure to please a significant majority of the audience, is in the midst of getting ready for bed when he suddenly stops. He hears something! He grabs a baseball bat and ventures out onto his porch, where his best friend "Stiles" Stilinsky (same name as the film this time) surprises him by hanging upside-down from the awning.

Stiles has news to share: two joggers found half of a body in the woods, and the police are combing the area looking for the other half. Suggesting a role as the Designated Troublemaker/Sidekick Who Drags Scott Into Things, Stiles thinks that it would be a great idea to go into the woods in the middle of the night and try to find the body. Scott is nervous, but the sheer awesomeness of searching for a dead body in the middle of the night overrides his good sense and off they go.

As Scott and Stiles walk through the woods together, we learn a little more about what's going on. Scott is an aspiring lacrosse player, but has never actually been an active part of the team. Not because he has no skills or Michael J. Fox's build (more on that later) but because he has asthma. Yes, asthma. Scott, the Lead Character, is actually disabled. Well, I say "actually," but as I have seen such films as Spider-Man, it's obvious that he will be cured by the end of the episode, since he'll be a werewolf and all. God forbid a werewolf have an actual physical impediment that stops him from performing amazing physical feats at the writers' whim.

(Also, I'm fairly sure that inhalers are not meant to be used that way. Could be wrong.)

Scott and Stiles end up running into the police (no surprise there). Scott evades them by hiding behind a tree, but Stiles is caught by his dad (who is one of the local policemen), and after a quick-thinking bluff convinces said dad that Scott is asleep at home, they depart the scene, leaving Scott alone in the forest.

Fans of werewolf stories will know exactly where this is going: He's a-gettin' bit tonight. Because, unlike the original Teen Wolf protagonist, Scott was not born as a werewolf. Oh, there are still werewolves who were born that way - they're the other werewolves, the pack of real outcasts whose members' activities led to Scott being bitten. Scott, on the other hand, has to be made into a werewolf so that we can really feel the contrast between "normal" humans and the magical-super-awesome-sexy-outcasts. I'm not saying that the writers out and said "No, we can't have him born a werewolf, nobody will relate to him" but there's something disingenuous about making the protagonist one of the only werewolves in the story to be converted rather than born. Something that says Wish Fulfillment Fantasy Plus Cheap Metaphor For Puberty, while simultaneously Othering the characters who are best equipped to tell the story of what being a werewolf is actually like.

(Oy, this is starting to sound like a bizarre alternate-reality post. I promise there is a point to in-depth discussion of the treatment of werewolves.)

Anyway, Scott does get bitten, but first he is nearly trampled by a herd of rampaging deer and loses his inhaler. While searching for the inhaler, he stumbles upon the lost half of the dead body. He panicks, falls down a hill, and catches the attention of a werewolf, who decides to eat him. The werewolf gets in one good bite (natch) before Scott manages to break loose and run to the nearest road, where a close encounter with a car is presumably what scares the werewolf away. Scott lifts his shirt to discover a strangely neat-looking bite on his side, and then the logo screen flashes and it's time for the commercial break.

The episode resumes the next day at Scott's high school. A sign shows the name of the town to be "Beacon Hills" - in my opinion, a considerable improvement over the strangely Stepfordian "Beacontown," although it still sounds suspiciously like a Christian publishing company.

Scott is innocently dismounting his bike when a car pulls into the parking space next to him. You can tell just from the way he drives that Jackson has an attitude problem, and his tendency to harass Scott for absolutely no good reason confirms it. He deliberately hits Scott with his car door, then tells him to "watch the paint" before he is called off by one of his friends. Scott reacts to this encounter with a clueless stare that we are liable to become acquainted with as the show progresses.

Scott and Stiles meet up, and after showing off his nifty wound (which is now dressed), Scott tells Stiles that he was attacked by a wolf. Stiles asserts that this is absurd, because there are no wolves in California. Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival and departure of Lydia Martin, a classmate for whom Stiles apparently has the hots. She wants nothing to do with him, which can only mean a future hetfest of longing, male entitlement issues, etc. wherein the authors make it clear that she is meant for him and there's nothing to be done about it.

Stiles blames the fact that Lydia wants nothing to do with him on Scott, who is apparently a nerd. I'm not buying it. Firstly, a "nerd" is defined as someone who has socially-unapproved hobbies. Scott is into friggin' lacrosse! And I'm not buying that he's this Horrible Social Misfit, either. Sure, he has asthma, but he also has a great body, no socially unacceptable hobbies to speak of, and he is a fine-looking specimen of manhood. This is totes unrealistic and offensive. I'm not saying that there aren't attractive and/or fit nerds out there, but there's generally something about us (obesity, bad fashion sense, Pokémon fanaticism) that makes us truly odious to mainstream sensibilities. Scott doesn't make the cut.

The conversation ends and Scott goes to class - where, as he has just been bitten, his Weird Werewolf Powers start to kick in. Specifically, he hears a cell phone ringing outside the school. The phone belongs to a mysterious, and very conventionally beautiful, new classmate who bemoans to her mother that she cannot find her pen.

A few minutes later, the young woman comes to class and is introduced: she's the new student, Allison Argent. (I see what you did there, writers.) I'm not sure why they're making a big deal of her being new since this is the first day of school, but Unnamed Administrator Dude wants everyone to make her feel welcome anyway. Scott jumps on the ball by giving her a pen, earning a smile that cements her relationship as Future Love Interest. Gee. They didn't even try to write Boof into this version.

Out in the conspicuously empty halls, Scott is doing stuff at his locker when his super-hearing detects a conversation some yards down. Lydia is talking to Allison, and it looks like they're hitting it off. We learn that Lydia is Jackson's boyfriend (sound familiar?) and that they will be attending a party the next evening. Allison bluffs her way out of it by saying that Friday is "Family Night."

In the midst of their conversation, a fellow student walks over to Scott and Stiles and wonders why it is Lydia is all over Allison. Stiles explains that it's because they're good-looking; "beautiful people herd together." By which he means "delicate white people herd together," given that there is nothing unattractive about the black female student who poses the question. Well, except that she isn't wearing three layers of makeup and post-filming airbrushing.

Cut to lacrosse practice. For some ridiculous reason, both Scott and Stiles are on the team, yet neither of them have ever played. This day, however, Scott is determined to earn a place on the field - especially when Allison arrives with Lydia to watch practice. Tell me, does anyone else think that a large, bleeding werewolf bite might make it uncomfortable for Scott to play lacrosse today? No? Allrighty then.

(Fun fact: Lacrosse was invented by Indigenous Americans. It was later appropriated by European Americans, because it is a kick-ass sport and white people have a rather fractured concept of personal property.)

The coach, who is like the brilliantly douchey lovechild of the coach from the original Teen Wolf and Matthew Perry, tells Scott to play goalie for practice, because "landing a few shots will boost (the other teammates') confidence." As Scott prepares to play, Allison asks Lydia who he is, but Lydia says that she doesn't know.

The coach blows the whistle, and Scott goes down, because sensitive hearing doesn't do so hot against loud whistles. (Finally, something about this guy I can sympathize with.) One of the players throws a ball, and the disoriented Scott takes it in the face, earning the jeers of his teammates. He collects himself and prepares to do some serious goal-defending.

And of course he's amazing at it. I'm not sure how being a werewolf grants you magical lacrosse skills; my guess is that it has something to do with Spider-Man, because for some inexplicable reason super-reflexes are considered a vital part of every Superhuman power package. The music goes bom-de-bom-de-dang-de-dang-diggy-diggy, and finally Scott passes the ball to some guy, and of course it is a perfect throw over an incredible distance despite the fact that IRL wolves have absolutely no life demands that could cause them to develop amazing long-distance aim. They live in forests, for Pete's sakes. The writers, however, refuse to let logic get in the way of Scott doing amazing physical things, and send it the way of his asthma.

Later, in the forest, Scott tells Stiles about what's been going on. While his newfound powers are pretty frikkin' awesome, he is concerned that they might be a side effect of something very bad, perhaps something that could potentially kill him. Stiles apparently gets an idea, and tells him that he's heard of it and it's a specific kind of infection.

Scott: "Are you serious?"

Stiles: "Yeah. I think it's called... lycanthropy."

Scott (horrified): "What's that? Is that bad?"

Scott is such a nerd that he doesn't even know what lycanthropy is. I almost feel sorry for him. And yet... and yet... he's so cute when he's clueless.

Stiles explains lycanthropy, and Scott is cheesed at him for making such Completely Ridiculous Jokes. Yes, completely ridiculous. Stiles, how could you? (Links to MyFaceWhen.)

They reach the spot where Scott saw the body, but it's gone. Disappointed, Scott hopes to at least find his inhaler, but while he's looking for it, a mysterious, scowling man in black leather appears. The man tells Scott and Stiles that they are on private property. They apologize and say they were "looking for something." Still scowling, the man throws Scott his inhaler and walks away.

After he leaves, a shocked Stiles tells Scott who they've just met: Derek Hale, a local who moved away from Beacon Hills after his entire family was killed in a fire.

The next scene has Scott holed up at the local animal clinic. Apparently he works there, and that's where he's been treating his wound to avoid being caught. Cue shirtlessness. Scott takes off his bandage and finds that the bite has completely healed, without so much as a scar. God forbid any inconvenient marks mar our hero's perfect torso, eh?

Scott tries to feed the cats in the clinic (of which there is a surprisingly high amount), but as soon as he walks into the room they all spaz out, and after being creeped out for a few moments he leaves. Then he gets another surprise: Allison is at the clinic. She was driving down the road when she hit a dog, and wants Scott to make sure it's all right. She is understandably freaked out, but Scott employs his trained veterinarian calm, and has her take him to the dog. Which is in her car. She hit a strange dog, then decided to pick it up and put it in her car. Way to go, Allison.

They open the trunk, and the dog freaks out and starts barking. (So, why exactly didn't she bite Allison sooner?) Scott assures Allison that the dog is just scared, and decides to try and calm her down. He stares at the dog and his eyes glow (an effect which has definitely improved since the movie). The dog calms down. They bring her inside, and Scott offers a dry shirt to Allison, who has been soaked by the rain. After getting an eyeful of her back, he treats the dog for her injuries, and then they talk. Allison is embarrassed because she "freaked out like a total girl." Scott helpfully tells her, "You are a girl." She says that she freaked out like a girly-girl, and she just isn't a girly-girl. Scott reassures her by telling her that if it had been him he would have freaked out like the girliest girl who ever girled. They bond.

Yes, kiddies, if you want to impress women you should definitely start by reinforcing their internalized misogyny. I don't know what the most frustrating part of this scene is: the idea that high emotional expression is directly correlated to femininity, or the idea that acting like/being perceived as someone super-feminine is "pathetic." Or the idea that high emotional expression is "pathetic." How about all of the above?

While Allison pets the now-friendly dog, Scott gives her a sideways glance that is about as subtle as a bulldozer. Whoa there, fella. Try not to let your tongue loll as you stare.

Well, it turns out that Allison has an Invisible Eyelash on her cheek, which Scott gently wipes away for her. D'aww.

As Allison leaves the clinic, Scott asks her about Family Night, and learns that it is in fact a total lie. (No surprise there.) He invites her to the party - the one which I'm pretty sure he wasn't invited to - and she accepts. Scoar!

Scott falls into bed happy (dig the moonlit bare chest, there), and then wakes up in the forest. One of the classic signs of lycanthropy, natch. While wandering around, he spies The Wolf, and they engage in either a chase scene or a footrace. Scott, desperate not to get eaten, jumps a fence and lands in someone's pool. Way to go, Scott.

At school, Scott is getting ready to play lacrosse when Jackson confronts him at his locker. He demands that Scott tell him where he's getting his chemical enhancers (a nice touch, since the original film was a thinly-veiled allegory for exactly that.)

Jackson: "Where. Are. You. Getting. Your. Juice?"
Scott: "My mom does all the grocery shopping."
Jackson: "No, listen, McCall. You're going to tell me exactly what it is and who you're buying it from, because there's no way in Hell you're out there kicking ass on the field like that without some sort of chemical boost."
Daylight glimmers.
Scott: "Oh, you mean steroids! ...You want steroids?"

Cue his Innocent Face of Innocence. Great Scott, kid, did you grow up under a rock? You are simultaneously frustrating and adorable.

Jackson gets physical, leading Scott to confess everything. Jackson is not impressed, and vows to find out what Scott's secret is, "no matter how long it takes." I'm going to bet he stumbles upon some Evil Werewolves further down the line and gets himself bitten.

Scott is just about to play when Stiles runs up to him. He tries to tell Scott that the police have confirmed that a wolf was responsible for the dead body, but Scott is busy getting his game on. The coach delivers a strangely unmotivational pep talk, ending in the line "everything else is cream cheese" - a nod to the coach in the movie.

The tryout starts. Scott is baffled at first by all the action on the field, but gets the hang of it and manages to score a goal, using some amazing werewolf stunts. (Apparently wolves are also gymnasts.) The coach is impressed and declares that Scott will be playing this year - first line, even. Jackson is unamused, and pulls off his helmet in frustration, flaunting his bishie sparkle and John Barrowman-esque good looks. Dang, guy, it's a shame you're the designated villain.

This turn of events concerns Stiles, who decides to head home and do some research. He searches for a bunch of stuff, including silver bullets, Lycaon, and wolfsbane. Astonishingly, his search results actually look like legit information, rather than the usual invented crap that writers are fond of employing. His research is interrupted by Scott, and he takes the opportunity to tell him that he thinks he may, in fact, be a real werewolf. Furthermore, he suspects that there may be an entire pack of werewolves in the area, one of whom might have bitten Scott. Scott denies this possibility, but Stiles brings up everything that's happened - plus the fact that Scott no longer needs his inhaler. Told you so. (Links to MyFaceWhen.)

Actually, wait, how does he know Scott no longer needs his inhaler? Did he just stop taking his medication? That is a phenomenally bad idea.

Anywho, Scott is pissed. He accuses Stiles of trying to ruin his life. Stiles explains that he's just worried because the full moon is happening that night, and it apparently gives werewolves an "urge to kill." Scott comments, "I'm already feeling an urge to kill." Oh, so witty.

Stiles will not give up, and attempts to break up Scott's date with Allison. This makes Scott very angry, and he starts to attack Stiles, but realizes what he's doing and takes it out on the office chair instead. Scott leaves and Stiles looks at the chair, which now has claw marks in the back. Dun dun dun.

Back at home, Scott is getting ready for the party (shirtless again) when he runs into his mother. Holy cow, he actually does have a parent! Mom is completely cool with the whole "going to a party with Allison" thing, and is ready to turn Scott loose until he misinterprets something she said, at which point she decided to give him the safe sex talk first. Despite this setback, Scott makes it to Allison's house and they go to the party together.

Per usual, the party is one of the really lousy kind with loads of people you don't even know dancing badly to pop music. (At least it doesn't have a sex raffle.) Scott is all set to enjoy himself when he catches sight of Derek, who is standing alone and staring meaningfully at him. Before he can do anything, though, Allison distract him with the suggestion of food, and when he looks back Derek is gone and there's something blurry running across the roof.

Scott and Allison start dancing (what, no food?) but Scott is distracted by Lydia and Jackson, who are making out. Allison gets Scott's attention with smoochies of her own, and he starts groping at her clothes. (I don't know if this is a visual allusion to Teen Wolf Too or just a coincidence.) Suddenly he starts feeling all funky, tells Allison that he'll "be right back," and leaves the party. Douche.

I have to say, however decent the production values have been for the rest of this episode, the camera effect used during this scene is terrible. And not just because it makes me sick to watch. It looks like something that you would see in an amateur film on YouTube.

Allison sees Scott leave, and is all kinds of worried. But never fear, Derek is here! He introduces himself as a "friend of Scott's," and tries not to look scary. Your mileage may vary on his success.

Back at his house, Scott is not doing so well. He staggers his bedroom, closes the door, and gets a convenient glimpse of the full moon through his bedroom window. OH NOES! For some reason, he decides that an appropriate course of action is to go into his bathroom, turn on the shower and sit in his bathtub (without his shirt, of course.)

The water calms him down, but it doesn't stop the pain. Scott's head goes thirty kinds of wiggy as he starts to transform. First his fingernails become fantastic claws, and then he looks in the mirror to find that he's got some fantastic werewolf fangs, and his eyes flash bright orange.

Suddenly, Stiles arrives. Scott refuses to let him into the bedroom, but does tell him that Derek is the werewolf who bit him. This concerns Stiles, who saw Derek drive Allison home from the party (since Scott stiffed her a ride). He goes to check on Allison, while Scott jumps out his bedroom window and presumably goes to do the same thing. First, though, he's got to finish transforming. There's a close-up shot of his ear growing, which is presumably a shout-out to a similar shot from the original (which itself was taken from An American Werewolf In London).

Scott takes off through the forest, still shirtless. He is now fully transformed, and while his werewolf form looks significantly less like a miniature Bigfoot, it looks disappointingly like "the Wolfman, but even more human." I watched the supplemental material for this show; the artists were specifically trying to create "a werewolf you can kiss." Or, in other words, a werewolf who doubles as a sex object. Really, guys. Is there any demographic you will not objectify for money? (Answer: no.)

Scott also has special "wolf vision," which is a weird salmon color and also blurry. What.

Stiles makes it to Allison's house, and finds out - Shock! Horror! - that she is home completely safe. Well, there's an anticlimax. Meanwhile, Scott is running through the forest when he spies Allison's jacket. (Presumably he was following her scent and went in the wrong direction.) It's a trap! Suddenly, he is ambushed by... Derek, who pins him to the ground and warns him to be quiet, then advises him to run instead. Scott starts to run, but a flare disrupts his wolf-o-vision, disorienting him long enough to get shot by an arrow that pins his arm to a tree. Yeouch.

Turns out he's been shot by a werewolf hunter, played by the surprisingly sexy JR Bourne. It's been a while since I saw him in Stargate SG-1, and I have to say the years have done him well. He's all set to take Scott down, but Derek comes to the rescue, taking out Bourne's minions and pulling the arrow from Scott's arm. They escape; Bourne is pissed.

Elsewhere in the forest, Scott stops running and detransforms. Derek explains the situation, cheesing Scott off when he refers to werewolves as "us." Scott is not pleased about the whole werewolf thing. Derek scoffs at his petty pessimism, and tries to make him see how wonderful being a werewolf is. Yeah right. This is white wish fulfullment fantasy at its best. According to Spike, a real person in Derek's shoes would most likely be doing the opposite - trying to fend off overexcited would-be werewolves by telling them about the challenges they face. You know, challenges like being hunted all the time, being assumed not to exist, etc. Considering their werewolfhood to be a gift is one thing; being all too happy to spread it to random teenagers and then demanding they embrace it is just nonsense.

Derek tells Scott that "we're brothers now." Of course. I want to make it clear at this point how lucky Scott is. Contrary to what the writers imply with this exchange - that any born werewolf would be just peachy keen bringing a bitten into the pack because of some Werewolf Solidarity - I seriously doubt that just anyone would reach out like that. Sure, it's the responsible and decent thing to do, but people on the whole tend to avoid the "responsible and decent" schtick. Especially since Scott is liable to n00b all over the place, flaunt every remaining piece of non-werewolf privilege he has, and generally act like an obnoxious dick for a while.

Derek leaves, and Scott staggers home. Or tries to. He's still in the forest come daybreak, when Stiles picks him up with his Jeep. Despite having just turned into a werewolf and gotten shot, what Scott is really worried about is Allison, whom he ditched at the party. (Yeah, now his conscience kicks in.) Stiles gives him some bad advice, then says that if he has to he'll chain Scott up in his basement and feed him live mice on the full moons. This gives Scott lulz.

Next Monday at school, Scott meets Allison, who asks him what happened. She gives him good lie-fuel by asking if he got sick or what, but Scott instead says that he can't tell her and that she'll just have to trust that he had a good reason. Okay, that's not cryptic or frustrating at all, dude.

She decides to give him a second chance anyway (couldn't possibly be because he's adorable, nope nope nope). Then her dad comes to pick her up, and before they leave Scott catches a glimpse of the man's face. It's the werewolf hunter! Yes, our mysterious Bourne is actually Mr. Argent, father of Scott's true love. Oh, the doom and agony.

The screen flashes "To Be Continued," and the episode ends.

So, overall, what did I think of this episode?

Well, it's pretty damn good for a TV pilot. They actually had some budget to work with, which helped. Stiles is a character that I could definitely grow to like, and most of the cast members are adorable. JR Bourne gives me feelings of happiness as well.

However...

I am not happy with the casting choice for Scott McCall. The original Teen Wolf was played by Michael J. Fox, a short and kind of dweeby guy who fit the role very well. His replacement, Tyler Posey, is 5'10 and about as conventionally attractive as they come, yet we're supposed to believe that he has the same kind of problems (unpopularity, etc.) as the original character. Not only is this unrealistic, but it sends the message that someone who is not physically up to standard isn't good enough for the leading role. Never mind that in the 80's, this slight, goofy guy was considered good enough to have the leading role in an action trilogy. Now he isn't even good enough to play the "unpopular" guy. Who, by the way, is so unpopular that he has even fewer friends than Scott did in the movie. Characters like Chubby and Lewis, who could have been given significant roles, have instead been completely written out.

On the same note, what the Hell happened to Boof? She's completely gone from the story, replaced by the much more conventional Allison (bearing in mind that Boof was pretty damn conventional to begin with). Now, I won't deny that Allison's cute, but she is severely lacking in Boof's indie charm, and she has none of the history with Scott that made the original pairing as enjoyable as it was. (Yes, within the context of a terrible movie.) Again, we get the message that the old character isn't Good Enough.

This theme is repeated throughout the show. Several plot points of the original film are replaced with other, equally or more clichéd, elements - and for ridiculous or nonexistant reasons. Suddenly Scott isn't born a werewolf, he's turned into one. His Affable Werewolf Dad is gone, but his serious human mom is suddenly in the picture. Instead of being one of the best members of a shitty sports team, he's now a downtrodden benchwarmer on a good team. His primary antagonist has gone from being the captain of the rival team to being the captain of his team. Etc. These changes aren't all bad - some of the really clichéd elements, like the Underdog Sports Team and the Best Friend Who Secretly Wants You didn't really need to be dredged up again, but instead of actually engaging with those tropes and making something interesting, the writers just swapped them out for a different set.

And of course, the show is a whitefest. The lead actor, Tyler Posey, is mixed race (IMDB describes him as having "Irish, English, and Mexican" ancestry), and that's great, but there's nothing to imply that the character he plays is anything short of 100% white, and the rest of the cast follows suit. There are two non-white characters, both black, and each of them gets about two lines of dialogue. And it's about that hetero, except that there are no apparent non-straight characters at all. (Well, I have my suspicions about the way Jackson was looking at Scott, but that's wishful thinking on my part.)

In a nutshell: It's not great, it's not groundbreaking, and aside from loads and loads of fanservice and decent special effects there's not really a compelling reason to watch. Damn, I just harshed my own buzz, and now I don't even want to go watch the second episode.

Remember, Cam, there are werewolves. And sexy. And Stiles. And Scott's adorable innocent face. And JR Bourne.

Yeah, that'll about do it.