Dear Christopher: No, Posting Anonymously Damn Well Does Not Excuse You From Backlash.

I didn't see this until recently because I don't check Friendly Atheist often, and when I decided to catch up, I found an extremely tragic story of a man who killed himself because the trauma he had experienced as a child was too much for him to live with.

TW for above link: post contains discussion of molestation, lifelong trauma, and suicide.

And THIS post contains some of that, plus one of the most disgusting concern trolls I have ever had the displeasure of encountering.

Most of the comments on the thread ranged from sympathetic to outright "he had every right to kill himself" - pretty good stuff. But one commenter, "Christopher," who obviously has never had to experience this kind of daily torture, just couldn't contain himself:

I’ve re-read Bill’s suicide letter several times over the last day or so and several things bother me about it.

I sometimes have a strong internal reaction to stories of child sexual abuse but I don’t usually express my opinion out loud because I know it will seem like a harsh one. But with the relative anonymity of an internet forum, I figured it might be safe to express these feelings without any repercussions.

Every time I read Bill’s letter I get the impression of someone who is writing about their fantasy of what depression is like. He uses words like “darkness” and “evil inside me” that are hard for me to take seriously. He might as well be talking about demonic possession.

And then we have this suicide letter of epic proportions. Strangely, for all of its verbiage, it does not include many details. No one is named, situations are not described. In fact, the majority of information that we get is in regards to his internal states and feelings. The letter is so long and so unproductive that it seems very indulgent and it reads like a list of excuses.

And then there is this whopper:
“There’s no point in identifying who molested me, so I’m just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.”

What a horrible rationalization. There is EVERY point in identifying his molester. Do you think Bill would have kept quiet if the molester had abused his best friend, stole money or murdered his parents? Of course not. But since he was sexually abused, he gives the abuser a pass!! What would Bill say to other children who were molested after him? “Sorry I was so ashamed that I didn’t report this to the police so the monster got to you too.” Our lives are not totally our own and we have responsibilities to our fellow human beings. Since there is no god to bring this molester to justice, it is up to humans to catch him. It has always been this way. But now, there will never be justice. And the same monster that destroyed his life will destroy others. Maybe even today? If Bill had named his abuser then maybe other victims still living would come forward. There is a weird disconnect when it comes to sexual abuse victims, as if once they are abused, we give them a pass and they have no responsibility to protect their fellow humans.

So from my armchair perspective, I can’t help but think Bill was a gay man, who could never become comfortable with his own sexuality, and used past tragic events as an excuse to shipwreck his life and hurt others with his emotional immaturity. Yes, I know diagnosis via an internet forum is about as worthless as a three dollar bill.

I too have struggled with depression throughout my life. I am a gay man who came out to his religious parents over 15 years ago when our culture was much less accepting of homosexuals. That first Christmas was rough when they told me to stay away. But they eventually came around and my relationship with my Mom is closer than ever (although my relationship with Dad is rocky due to other reasons). My partner is accepted in our family without reservation. I lived through the rough times of these relationships and now my homosexuality is hardly a factor in my life at all.

Instead of feeling sorry for Bill, I wonder if it wouldn’t be more productive (and helpful to other depressed people) to point at him as an example of a mistake to be avoided rather than making yet another internet martyr. I wish we, as a culture, could approach suicide and depression without relying on these exceptional cases. To be fair, I am not sure how that can be accomplished.

How many things are wrong with this post? Let me count the ways:

I sometimes have a strong internal reaction to stories of child sexual abuse but I don’t usually express my opinion out loud because I know it will seem like a harsh one. But with the relative anonymity of an internet forum, I figured it might be safe to express these feelings without any repercussions.

Hey, it's the Internet! I can say whatever I want without getting into trouble for it! The excuse of douchebags everywhere who haven't yet gotten the message that repeated criticism of their viewpoint means there's something wrong with it.

Every time I read Bill’s letter I get the impression of someone who is writing about their fantasy of what depression is like. He uses words like “darkness” and “evil inside me” that are hard for me to take seriously. He might as well be talking about demonic possession.

Because EVERYONE interprets the world using exactly the same language. Basically Christopher is saying that he has a hard time believing Bill Zeller's motives for killing himself because he used fantastic-sounding/imaginative language.

Guess what? Sometimes when I talk about MY mental problems, I say I "turn into another person." I bet that's really hard to take seriously because I might as well be talking about shapeshifting. It's also true.

And then there is this whopper:
“There’s no point in identifying who molested me, so I’m just going to leave it at that. I doubt the word of a dead guy with no evidence about something that happened over twenty years ago would have much sway.”

What a horrible rationalization. There is EVERY point in identifying his molester. Do you think Bill would have kept quiet if the molester had abused his best friend, stole money or murdered his parents? Of course not. But since he was sexually abused, he gives the abuser a pass!! What would Bill say to other children who were molested after him? “Sorry I was so ashamed that I didn’t report this to the police so the monster got to you too.” Our lives are not totally our own and we have responsibilities to our fellow human beings. Since there is no god to bring this molester to justice, it is up to humans to catch him. It has always been this way. But now, there will never be justice. And the same monster that destroyed his life will destroy others. Maybe even today? If Bill had named his abuser then maybe other victims still living would come forward. There is a weird disconnect when it comes to sexual abuse victims, as if once they are abused, we give them a pass and they have no responsibility to protect their fellow humans.

Hear that, everyone? When the first thing in your life that you can remember is repeated, painful sexual abuse, and these memories haunt the rest of your life, taint every relationship you have, and make it next to impossible to feel happiness, your first responsibility is to put your abuser in jail. Good to see that dear old Christopher, at least, has his priorities straight.

For that matter, Mr. Zeller never gave the reason why there was no point to naming his abuser. Maybe his abuser was dead or so old as to be incapacitated. Maybe he had a whole family of abusive Catholics who would do nothing but protest his innocence and accuse Zeller of lying. Just because he didn't state the reason doesn't mean that it doesn't exist or isn't valid.

So from my armchair perspective, I can’t help but think Bill was a gay man, who could never become comfortable with his own sexuality, and used past tragic events as an excuse to shipwreck his life and hurt others with his emotional immaturity.

Shucks, Christopher, you figured him out. Oh, wait, you didn't. What you did was sit there and create an imaginary scenario to explain to yourself why the deceased was having experiences that you have difficulty understanding. It couldn't be because his life is different from yours; it must be because it was made up. That's basically what he's saying.

Yes, I know diagnosis via an internet forum is about as worthless as a three dollar bill.

Might have mentioned that before you shared your completely worthless Internet diagnosis.

I too have struggled with depression throughout my life. I am a gay man who came out to his religious parents over 15 years ago when our culture was much less accepting of homosexuals. That first Christmas was rough when they told me to stay away. But they eventually came around and my relationship with my Mom is closer than ever (although my relationship with Dad is rocky due to other reasons). My partner is accepted in our family without reservation. I lived through the rough times of these relationships and now my homosexuality is hardly a factor in my life at all.

GUH.

WHAT.

The only thing I can figure out after getting this information is that Christopher is a deluded bigot who would rather believe that someone would lie in his suicide note than comprehend the idea that this man's suffering could possibly be real. Instead, he reads his own struggles into Zeller's life, then judges him according to his own successes and concludes that he is "emotionally immature" and "us(ing) past tragic events as an excuse to shipwreck his life."

This is the most disgusting case of victim-blaming I have ever seen. This reminds me of straight parents who are convinced that gay kids could be straight if they just tried harder. Non-depressed people who think that people who suffer from depression just need to cheer up. I could hope that Christopher would have enough experience with these oppressions to figure out that this disgusting display of victim-blaming is completely full of shit, but apparently he still thinks that any problem he has not personally experienced isn't real.

Finally we have this gem:

Instead of feeling sorry for Bill, I wonder if it wouldn’t be more productive (and helpful to other depressed people) to point at him as an example of a mistake to be avoided rather than making yet another internet martyr. I wish we, as a culture, could approach suicide and depression without relying on these exceptional cases. To be fair, I am not sure how that can be accomplished.

Instead of expressing sympathy for the horrendous amount of pain that would drive an individual to take his own life, we should turn him into a case study. We should ignore his pain and, instead, try and figure out how to use his suffering for others' gain. And the use of the words "internet martyr" is disgusting. I don't see anyone saying that Bill Zeller is a hero for killing himself. The fact that a few people have stood up for his right to take his own life does not bequeath him with the title of martyrdom.

Christopher, STFU and GTFO. Relative anonymity over the Internet does not give you the right to be an asshole.