One Man, One Woman

Over at TeenInk, some clueless Christian kid is opining the Deep Divine Reasons why two guys should not be able to join in holy matrimony. Naturally, she's using the second weakest reason why gay marriage is Just Nasty:

God put one man and One woman on this earth. Not two men. or two women.

I am going to do every Christian who ever stumbles across this blog a HUGE favor and say: Please, please stop using this argument. You are making yourself look stupid.

I'm going to dredge out my dirty atheist knowledge of the Bible to explain why now.

1. God put one man and one woman on the earth... and then their kids banged each other. According to some traditions, when Cain was exiled from God's presence, he took his sister with him for a wife; his brothers likewise married their sisters. Yet incest is forbidden in the Old Testament (except when God says otherwise - see Abraham and Sarah), the New Testament, and every halfway sane Christian tradition on the face of the planet.
2. God put one man and one woman on the earth... and their descendants went on to have many wives. Adam is possibly THE only monogamous character in the Bible. Abraham only had one official wife, but his wife wasn't above loaning him a prostitute when she failed to conceive. The rest of them were more official about their bangage. See also: Solomon.
3. God put one man and one woman on the earth... when there was nobody else around to reproduce. Let's face it: when you're starting a species, it's kind of counterproductive if your first couple can't breed with each other. Now we have six billion humans on the planet, millions of married couples devoted to creating more, and plenty of people who are happily single, sterile, or using contraceptives. What's a few gay couples?

So not only are there multiple precedents for later couples breaking "the rules," but the practical motive is no longer an issue. You simply can't argue that since it was ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN then, that's how it should always be.

By the way, I know this is going to blow your minds, but God put one Jewish man and one Jewish woman on the Earth. They had brown skin, black hair, yadda. Somehow nobody thinks that it's a good idea to argue that blondes shouldn't exist using this logic.

Now, I'm not harpin' on your right to argue against teh gayz (though since I'm a gay dude in a woman's body, that's okay, right?) That's your prerogative. But if you're going to do it, stick to the Leviticus/Paul combo. That one at least makes sense internally, though you'll want to keep it from us atheists who frankly couldn't give a rip what your god thinks. Especially since a lot of us quit BECAUSE he was a douche.

By the way, the worst argument of all time against same-sex relations?

The plumbing doesn't fit! It doesn't even make sense!

Let me blow your mind with a few alternatives to straight-on vaginal intercourse:

1. Oral sex
2. Anal sex
3. Manual sex
4. Mutual masturbation (though this one barely qualifies, in my book)
   
5. The almighty dildo

All of these can be performed very effectively by same-sex couples (though the dildo works best for lesbians). If you don't know what any of those are, feel free to search. As for me, I'm done.