Gay men: It's time to stop enabling the abuse.

Gaybros, I am disappoint.

It has come to my attention that some of you are letting straight people walk all over you. This is unacceptable and it needs to stop.

My first complaint is with Teen Wolf creator/director Jeff Davis. Look, I know it's hard being an out gay person in the industry, even harder to convince people to buy a gay character. But do you have to keep making Danny the butt of Stiles' awkward sexual harassment? Why are you doing that? Are you afraid that we're going to forget that he's gay if you don't shoehorn in terrible scenes of him ogling shirtless Derek? And that line "you may bat for the other team, but you still play?" Really? Danny is an amazing character, but stop using his sexuality as a joke. You're insulting and embarrassing us.

(On a less complainy and more requesty note, don't bother writing him in a boyfriend. We all know that Stiles is only straight for Lydia and that he would much rather be boning/getting boned by Danny. Do that.)

My second complaint is directly to the friends of the guy I spoke to the other day, and any guy like him. He tells me that he told you that he would punch you if you so much as hit on him, and you said "fair enough." Where the fuck is your self-esteem, guys? When did it become okay to agree to physical assault just because of your sexual orientation? I'm sure you're probably friends with this guy for any number of reasons - you've been friends for years, he's the only straight guy you can hang out with without feeling threatened, whatever - but seriously, let's see some self-respect. Tell your friend that it was not cool for him to deck you because you got drunk and came on to him. Frankly, people have done much worse things while drunk. If he's really that sensitive about it, then he's not as comfortable with your sexuality as he claims and you should dump his ass. I've never met you, but I've met him, and trust me, it ain't worth it. In fact, that's why I'm not friends with him.

In general:

Don't laugh self-deprecatingly when people tell gay jokes.
Don't let people tell you that your sexuality is offensive.

I don't always succeed at this. I'm pre-everything and transgender, so it's not easy for me to explain to someone that I am a GAY MAN when she (a straight woman) tells me that it's offensive to use the word "gay" to describe same-sex relations. Frankly, self-respect is an everyday battle for me to achieve. But I think that we can all do better. And we owe it to ourselves to do so.

Deconstructing the Privileged Brain 1: Optimism

You remember way back when I was going to do that? Well, I'm still gonna do it. I'm not going to waste my time telling you why you should try to deconstruct your privileged brain; if you really care about listening to people who are different from yourself then you already know why and if not, you can come back when you're ready.

So, without further ado, this is Deconstructing the Privileged Brain, Part 1: Optimism.

I remember pretty clearly that, when I started reading about racism, I didn't want to believe what I was reading. There was a pretty simple reason for that: I liked to believe the best in people. Especially people who are like me (i.e. white). I wasn't deluded, of course - I knew that people were racist and nasty. But the idea that every single white person was racist - and, even if they were trying not to, were probably actively committing racism at any given time? That was horrible.

I especially didn't want to believe that I could be contributing to this problem in a serious way. After all, I wasn't a bad person - at least, I didn't think I was. I didn't hate people of color. I couldn't admit I was racist! That would mean I was a meanie, and I so wasn't.

These thoughts are all rooted in the kyriarchy, of course. White American culture has a fixation with being "a good person;" admitting that you, personally, could be harming another person is generally unthinkable unless you are an alcoholic or an abuser. This is telling of the kind of black-and-white morals our society is usually obsessed with. You're either a good guy or a bad guy, you're a racist or a liberal, you either beat your kids until they bruise or you're not an abusive parent. You're an optimist or a pessimist. Being a Good Person is the ultimate goal, in fact. If you're not nice enough to be a Good Person, then you should at least Have Your Heart In The Right Place. If you don't, you're a Jerk or a Douchebag, and deserve to be shunned from all of civilization.

To compound the problem, morality in our culture was mainly invented - and is still mostly maintained - by high-ranking, white, rich, heterosexual, cisgender, able-bodied Christian men. As a result, the things that are considered good and moral in our society are mainly those that are relevant to this group of people. Our various concessions - such as "be civil to the underprivileged" - have come only because those who are affected by them have demanded them, and only when the issue became so prominent that it crippled the ability of privileged persons to go on thinking of themselves as decent people.

It is no accident that one of the primary commandments of Christianity, and one of our great moral tenets in this country, is to "suck up and take it." Don't call out racism, homophobia, ableism. If you do, then you're a dissident. A fight-starter. A whiner. Or worse - "oversensitive." The most valued person in our culture - aside from a heroic white man who fixes all of the problems that other white men agree are actual problems - is a perpetual martyr. One who doesn't shun the Douchebag, even though xe deserves it. One who works a grueling job for ten hours a day so she can afford to feed her children (at least as long as she's white). One who always has a smile for everyone xe meets, no matter how bad of a day xe has. Someone who has struggles - heaps and heaps of struggles, even - but recognizes that other people are More Important and dedicates xir life to making theirs better.

Most importantly, xe must believe that everyone else is a Good Person and that the entire country is a wonderful, opportunity-loaded place suitable for all who live there. Failure to maintain this unrealistic viewpoint, particularly if you actually voice your negative opinions, gets you branded a Cynic, a Pessimist, an all-around Party Pooper.

Unless you're a rich, white, straight man - in which case you are Making a Difference and your complaints are 100% justified and necessary.

It is these societal mores that lead to the privileged mindset as I described it above. Of course, the depth with which we absorb this attitude is directly proportionate to how privileged we are ourselves. For instance, growing up with straight, white, TAB, Christian, English-speaking, locally-born, neurotypical, and some cisgender privilege made me quite receptive. For nearly two decades I believed as I was taught - that everyone had equal opportunities and that affirmative action actually took needed resources away from white people, that gay pride was an unnecessary celebration of deviance, that undocumented immigrants were stubborn criminals who came to the country to leech freebies off of the taxpayers.

Becoming an atheist helped me to become more aware of these inequalities, as I spent a lot of time in atheist circles for the first few months, learning that atheists are the least trusted minority in the United States and that a slew of stereotypes made it difficult for us to obtain and maintain employment and friendly relations with others. But I still wasn't sure about those gays, and I didn't believe in racism, because that fight was over, right? (None of the atheists I read - mostly white - had anything to say about any oppression other than the religious kind.)

Realizing my bisexuality and gender fluidity gave me a stake in gay issues, making me realize that the fight for equality was both ongoing and necessary. But I still didn't know anything about trans people (those are women stuck in men's bodies, right?) and I still didn't believe in racism, because they kept saying that gay was the new black and it was just so catchy.

Realizing that I was transgender shook my world. Suddenly I was able to look at everything from a completely different angle. I began to absorb the depth and complexity of the non-straightcis world. I knew what it felt like to be truly, honestly queer - one of the least known and understood varieties of human beings available. But I still didn't believe that racism was a problem, or ableism, or one of a bajillion other forms of prejudice - because, except for people belonging to my intersections and a few select others, we were all equals, right?

That's how pervasive the mindset of privilege is.

I was fortunate enough to be pointed to the link that would change my life - a reference to Womanist Musings via Tranifesto. I knew what womanist meant - a feminist of color, in a manner of speaking. I knew that the movement had been started because of alleged racism in feminism, and I'd even read some things they'd written, but I hadn't stuck around. The writing of womanists seemed so hostile to white people.

I found that to be true this time, as well. Despite my rejection of a number of societal norms, I had unquestioningly bought into the idea that I was a Good Person, and being confronted with people of color - quite a lot of them, as I moved from Womanist Musings to Stuff White People Do, Racialicious, and other blogs - who dared to insinuate that I must be doing something wrong just because I was white - was completely offensive to my privileged sensibilities. Because if I was this badly racist, then I couldn't be a Good Person, and therefore I must be a Douchebag, and so what these people were saying was obviously that I was worthless as a human being. Right?

Dismantling this idea in your head isn't something that can be done overnight. It's not even something that I can teach you to do. The best thing I can do is offer some pointers:

• Listen. This can be hard for a variety of reasons. Some people are used to having their opinions heard at all times. Others, like me, are used to being silenced, and have a knee-jerk reaction when ANYONE tells us to "sit down and shut up." This, plus the shock of being confronted with someone daring to say something that flies in the face of everything we've been taught, makes it hard to listen with an open mind. The thing is, if you're reading this now, your mind is already open enough to begin the learning process. Do what you are asked, and read without commentating with knee-jerk responses or what seem at this point to be reasonable rebuttals. If you do, you will learn the truth.
• Don't throw your responses and rebuttals at the writers - but do write them down. Every time you read about any oppression issue that doesn't seem right to you, write down the reason or at least keep it in mind. Eventually you will come across an explanation that will satisfy your objection, without creating an ugly argument in a place where it doesn't belong.
• Be patient! Your programmed optimism is a barrier that is working to prevent you from believing that things could really be as bad as they say. Unlearning a privileged mindset is a lifelong endeavor - expect about a year to get the basics down - and you might not understand a given issue the first, second, or third time you read it. Bookmark any subjects that you're having trouble getting your head around, and re-read them at a later date.
• Cross-reference. I'm ashamed to say that there were a number of issues relating specifically to racism that I didn't understand at all until I encountered a parallel issue relating to sexism or another form of discrimination. Our brains are so locked up with prejudice that sometimes we do have to resort to such techniques. If you're willing to learn, it's worth it.
• Take a break once in a while. It can be - no, it is - very startling to learn that a world you thought was pretty damned awesome is actually pretty fucked up. Even moreso to learn that you, specifically, are helping to make it that way. When you first start reading about racism, for example, it's easy to imagine that all of the anger coming from the writers is being directed at you specifically, and it becomes very stressful and counterproductive to your education. It's not the responsibility of the people you're learning from to hold your hand through the deprogramming process, so when you feel yourself becoming bitter or defensive, walk away for a while. Write about what you're feeling, talk about it with someone close to you, or lose yourself in something familiar and comfortable, and come back when you're feeling calmer.
• When you start to take something personally, examine it. A lot of people say "If it's not about you, don't make it about you," but I say, "If you think it's about you, figure out why." If your first instinct is to leave a message saying "I'm not like that!" then ask yourself: are you saying this because you're really afraid they are painting everyone with the same brush (they aren't), or because you're afraid that you're not the exception to the rule? I personally had trouble in this vein for one of two reasons: either I was afraid that I would internalize the behavior being described and actually become worse (which is something that I have to fight), or because I knew I could do the thing in question and wanted to assert that I hadn't to make myself feel better. The job of your brain is to soothe your fear and reinforce your love of society's inherent goodness, which is something you should be putting on the back burner during the learning process.

That's pretty much it for Part 1. With any luck I've managed to say anything that I was hoping to say with any kind of comprehensibility. Thank you, and good night.

I am very, very angry today.

In my state, we have a sizeable Latin@ population. Mostly descendants of Mexicans. A lot of these Mexican-descended people are lower-class - you can tell, because they make up between ten and twenty percent of the local population but until the economy crashed they made up a sizeable population of the people shopping at Wal-Mart (yet were almost never seen at Costco or Fred Meyer).

The other day, while my mother and I were shopping for groceries, I stopped to look at a stand of Valentine's Day cards (or Singles Shaming Day cards, whichever you like). I discovered that all of the cards that depicted humans were showing peach-skinned people (to no surprise on my part). I pointed this out to my dear white mother, who immediately informed me that (to paraphrase) "they probably get the cards in from somewhere else where they don't have that population; I doubt they have any control over what they get in."

Later, my sister remarked that if I asked the store employees (again, to paraphrase), "they'd probably tell you that they have the cards with animals for the non-whites."

I've been thinking about this today, and I'm still mad.

• I'm mad because my low-class, brown, yet straight neighbors - be they Mexican-descended or any "other" race, can't afford to shop at a store that actually cares enough about them to represent them in the merchandise.
• I'm mad because that's exactly what the damn store employee would say.
• I'm mad because if I want to get a card for me and my hypothetical significant other, I have to fully transition (whatever the hell that means - T, chest surgery, phallo) and spend the rest of my life with a white woman; any other possibility rules me out of the group. And if I didn't toe the line in relationship terms, and complained about the lack of cards representing us, someone would point me to the animal cards. And it's the same way for most people in queer relationships, regardless of their skin color. For the same reason that they won't make cards with brown people for my non-peach, but straight neighbors - THEY ARE BIGOTS.
• I'm mad because, when I shop for cards, I can expect any card that shows a man dominating a woman to be "funny" in a "yuk-yuk, he's in charge, all right" way and any card that shows a woman dominating a man to be "funny" in a "yeah, my wife walks ALL over me, too - why can't she do everything I want?" way. NEVER MIND the lack of same-sex and/or brown people cards depicting this, much less in a positive light.
• I'm mad because anyone in a committed relationship with more than one person, even if they are peach-skinned and heteronormative, can give up on finding ANY card representing them, even if they're white. Even if they're rich. Not even the animals. Heck, if they tried to get a custom job done they would risk gross-out reactions, bigotry, and potential threat to their physical selves.
  
• I'm mad because if I complain about this to someone who doesn't have any problems finding people like them on greeting cards, I can expect to be answered with "Well, I can't find people who look just like me, either," (i.e., HAVE THEIR EXACT FACE) or "So just don't get one with people on it," or (class privilege a-comin') "So just make a custom card with your faces on it. That would be romantic." LIKE AS IF I OWN A PRINTER.
• But I'm mainly mad because my straight brown neighbors who shop at Wal-Mart are a VISIBLE DEMOGRAPHIC, and a not insignificant one, and Wal-Mart puts out its merchandise like they don't even exist. My non-heteronormativity (and that of my neighbors of all colors)... well, I know that they actively hate it around here. And yeah, that pisses me off, but the failure to acknowledge brownness, specifically, feels like they don't even care. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NOT CARE. Owait. Because white people all around you keep telling you how demanding those brown folks are and how ignoring them is the best way to deal with racism. Yup yup.
• The cards depicting fat people aren't exactly charitable, either. We're either slobs or we've somehow "fallen apart."