Teen Wolf Review: Part Five - Notes On Lydia

Reading over my review from yesterday, I've realized something about the way I write about Lydia. That is, I'm very critical whenever she does or says something overly sexual, despite the fact that I'm not exactly shy about sharing my own feelings about the sexy guys of Teen Wolf. So I'd like to explain that.

It's not Lydia's sexuality that bugs me. It's the way the sexuality is part of her character. If Lydia were being portrayed as a teenager who just so happens to be sex-positive and not shy about it, that would be a good thing. A great thing, in fact. But she's not. Lydia is a stereotype. In addition to being The Bitch, as I mentioned in an earlier piece, she is The Slut - someone who has learned to use sex to get what she wants and is irrevocably socially damaged because of it. This is made clear by the kind of sexual behavior she exhibits. She flirts with Allison's dad, she flirts with Scott while he is out on a date with Allison, she finds a way to shoehorn blowjobs into a conversation about her boyfriend, etc. Basically, her Corrupted Slut Mind has no concept of when it is and is not appropriate to be sexual.

This is not a positive portrayal. It is slut shaming, plain and simple. Lydia's behavior contrasts with the good, wholesome Allison, who only flirts with one guy, would never ever talk casually about giving her boyfriend head, etc. - and is rewarded by becoming the girlfriend of the ultimate "good guy," Scott. Eventually they will have sex, but unlike Lydia, who doesn't even love Jackson (or so we are meant to believe), it will be wholesome (holesome?) missionary lovemaking of the most vanilla kind. Mark my words.

Besides, even Lydia's sexuality isn't that progressive. The focus on her giving Jackson blowjobs, and the way she describes it as some kind of sacrifice on her part, makes it clear that she gets no sexual gratification out of it. No, it's all about pleasuring men in exchange for social standing. This puts one in mind of an ancient stereotype - "lie back and think of England" - and does a great disservice to a character who is supposed to be so sexually charged, since her sex is not in fact about sex at all, but power.

Now, that part is not unrealistic in the slightest. When society tells women that their standing is based on which men are willing to fuck them and which ones do, it's perfectly natural for some women, even as young as Jessica, to decide "fuck it, if that's the game then I'm ready to play." What Teen Wolf fails to interrogate, however, is that this does not indicate a failure of Lydia's morals; it indicates a failure on the part of the larger culture to promote a society wherein a woman can be powerful without earning that power in bed.

Teen Wolf certainly isn't helping in that regard. While it's all too happy to shame Lydia for her actions, her "wholesome counterpart" ain't exactly rolling in the agency either. Sure, she made the decision to date Scott - under false pretenses. She does not know that Scott is a werewolf and that he could harm her, which means that she must rely on his judgment of when a situation is safe; she is essentially powerless to protect herself. Not only is that ridiculously sexist, but take into account the fact that her dating a guy who is lying to her and could kill her is being shown as the Right Kind Of Relationship - yeah, that's very healthy and sound. /sarcasm

Where was I? Oh, yes. Lydia.

Hair color plays a part in this as well. Lydia's Slutty Blonde is once again employed as a contrast to Allison's Wholesome Brunette. Do I have to say it? This reinforces prejudice against blonde white women. It reinforces the idea that blonde-ness means self-centredness, incapacity for true love, a willingness to do anything in bed. It means that blonde women will continued to be targeted for sexual harassment, assault, yadda, for the horrible sin of having fair hair. Every negative thing that is said about white women gains extra force when the victim is blonde.

In fact, that is basically the problem in a nutshell. Our society tends to view blonde as the most feminine of hair colors - and straight, blonde hair as the most feminine of hair - so when someone sees it on a woman, every prejudice that he has toward women (and Lydia's personality is certainly written by male prejudice) is magnified by her hair color.

Teen Wolf Review: Part Four - Episode Three

[Image description: Scott McCall, main character of MTV's Teen Wolf, flashing his fangs under his lacrosse helmet with a panicked expression on his face.]

Well, it's a week after MTV's Teen Wolf debuted, and another episode has aired. Let's see what the brilliant minds over at MTV have for us this time!

Warning: Spoilers ahead.




When last we saw Scott, he had successfully used his werewolf powers to win at lacrosse, but barely avoided getting caught. He also failed at getting Derrick tried for murder.

This week, the episode begins with Scott and Allison being giggly in the school parking lot after dark. Scott is taking Allison to one of the buses. She asks where he's taking her and he says, "Somewhere we can be alone." Stereotypical teenage naughtiness ahoy!

Scott, showing characteristic good judgment, decides it would be a fantastic idea to sneak into the back of one of the buses to make out. He leads Allison inside and, after making absolutely adorkable faces at each other (seriously - cutest couple ever), Scott starts putting the moves on Allison. As they kiss, happy music swells, little flying hearts leave a heart-shaped trail of hearts around their head, and the moon turns bright pink and becomes bigger in the sky.

Wait, wrong werewolf. No, for this kiss (which rapidly becomes a makeout session of epic teenage proportions), we just get happy music.

But things soon go horribly wrong, as Scott's nails start to grow into wolf claws. (Gee, who saw that coming? Well, everyone who saw this scene as a promo, for one. He realizes he's wolfing out and backs off, clutching his abdomen. Allison asks what's wrong; he tells her to get away. She doesn't, and he continues to transform.

Trying to figure out what's wrong with Scott, Allison receives a shock when he looks at her with his wolf face on. She starts to go for the door (in stunning wolf-o-vision), but he follows her, and when she runs he grabs her ankle and drags her back. Typical wolf behavior, that.

Ah, but Allison is not so easily caught. She delivers a stern kick into Scott's torso and bolts. The door is stuck, however. As she's trying to pry it open, Scott rips up one of the bus seats and throws it at her, though due to darkness and the seat bouncing around I'm not sure if it hit her. Then he comes after her, wraps his fingers over her mouth, and...

Cut to Scott and Stiles walking into school.

It was all a dream! Presumably it ended with Allison dying, but Scott isn't sure; what he is sure is that it felt extremely real and that bothers him. Stiles notes the timing - tonight is the night when Scott takes Allison out on a date, and Stiles believes he has a bad case of nerves. He tells Scott that he'll probably be fine and has been handling his lycanthropy very well considering he hasn't had any instruction. Scott muses that he could use a teacher. Stiles realizes that he's thinking of Derek, and says that asking him for help would be an extremely bad idea, especially considering their recent (successful) ploy to get him arrested. But Scott seems to think it's his only option. He re-emphasizes that the dream felt abnormally real, as if it could actually happen.

Then they exit the back of the school and see one of the buses, mauled, covered in bloody smears and being photographed.

Stiles comments: "I think it did."

Roll credits.

When the episode resumes, Scott is walking through school, searching frantically for Allison. Stiles tells him that she's probably okay and that the damaged bus could just be a coincidence, but Scott ignores him. As he becomes more and more panicked, his heart starts racing and his wolf powers kick in, culminating in him severely denting the door of a locker. He starts to calm down... and just then, Allison knocks into him from behind.

She says that he scared the Hell out of her (really? You bumped into him, lady.) They exchange pleasantries, and Scott stares in undisguised relief until the PA system kicks in. The school principal is on the line, letting everyone know that the recent bus massacre will not impede normal school functions. All are disappointed.

Allison and Scott agree to meet at lunch that day. Allison leaves, and Scott turns to see Jackson attempting to operate the locker he just punched. Scott finds this lulzy.

In chemistry class, Scott and Stiles continue to talk about the bus incident. Stiles suggests that Scott caught a rabbit and ate it.

Scott: "Raw?"
Stiles: "No, you stuffed it in a little werewolf oven and baked it."

I am imagining a werewolf-themed EZ-Bake oven. Eddie Munster so would have had one of those as a kid.

The teacher catches them talking and forces them to move to different seats. Scott ends up sitting right in front of Jackson, who is taking stinkeye lessons from Derek, apparently. Then the student next to Scott (the black girl from the first episode, in fact) announces that she thinks the investigators have found something. The students rush to the window to see paramedics moving a body into an ambulance. Scott notes that this is not a rabbit.

Suddenly the body sits up. It's some older dude, and he's panicked and screaming. Scott is horrified and backs away from the window. Stiles tells him that it's all right; the guy's not dead, so that's a good thing.

Scott responds: "Stiles. I did that."

They continue discussing the subject over lunch. Stiles insists that dreams aren't memories. Scott then decides that it wasn't a dream, and he just doesn't remember exactly what actually happened. The subject turns back to Derek. Stiles is still convinced that it's a bad idea to go to him, but Scott is more determined than ever. He points out that Derek was running around completely human on the full moon. He also says that he will have to cancel his date with Allison. Stiles argues against this.

Just then, Lydia sits down at their table. Stiles is surprised but pleased by this development, and quietly asks Scott why she is sitting with them. Scott has no answer, but shortly afterward Allison and several other students sit down as well. (Although one of them is forced to leave when Jackson shows up because he might have been staring at Lydia's privates.)

They start talking about the attack. One student suggests that it was a cougar; Jackson said that he heard it was a mountain lion. Lydia says that those two are the same thing, but she's not sure. Jackson says it doesn't matter since the guy was probably a homeless druggie. And unchecked classism of the episode.

Then Stiles reveals that he knows who the victim is! News to me. He pulls out his PSP and shows a video which reveals the name of the victim, a somebody Meyers. Scott announces that he knows who the guy is - the guy who drove the school bus back when Scott was a kid. Dun dun dun.

Lydia changes the subject to Allison and Scott's upcoming date, to which she invites herself and Jackson. Scott is hesitant about this new development, but Allison is all for it.

Jackson, on the other hand, is not. Lydia suggests that they go bowling, since he likes bowling, but he says that he only likes it when he has actual competition. Allison takes this as a challenge, and pressures Scott into convincing Jackson that they will be worthy competition. Scott lies and says that he is a great bowler.

(Fun fact: In the Teen Wolf movie, Pamela and Scott go bowling on their one and only date. Mick is also there and gives Scott plenty of stinkeye.)

Back in the halls, Scott and Stiles argue. First Scott's date with Allison has been hijacked into "hanging out," and now he's been talked into doing something he's terrible at. This is reasonable. What's not reasonable is Stiles' heterosexist comments that "once you're hanging out, you're practically her gay best friend - you can start hanging out with Danny." Danny, of course, is the gay goalie who never appears on screen.

Scott continues to fret, but Stiles' brain has been hijacked by his own comments and he notes that Danny doesn't like him very much. He asks Scott if he's unattractive to gay guys, but Scott is busy fretting and also late for work so he doesn't answer.

I know this probably won't go anywhere, but I would really love it if this developed into a subplot wherein we learn that Stiles is bisexual and genuinely interested in Danny. It seems much more likely than Scott and Jackson ever getting together, plus they've been doing a decent amount of lead-up (see: "running gag") for it.

Cut to the Beacon Hills Animal Clinic (the one where Scott and Allison hit it off in the first episode), where Scott has just arrived. He runs inside and apologizes for being late. The vet says that he's all of two minutes late, and Scott says that he just doesn't want him to think he's slacking. The doctor assures him that this could not possibly happen, when who should show up but Stiles' dad, the cop?

He's bringing in a police dog, who is here to get its stitches out, and asks Scott if he's staying out of trouble. Scott says yes, and Stilinsky Sr. and the doctor start attending to the dog. Before he can get going, though, Stilinsky Sr. asks him to look at the photographs of the recent attack victim. He also mentions the wolf hairs on Derek's sister's body, implying that he believes the two attacks to be connected.

Scott brings up the distinct lack of wolves in California, and the vet says that wolves are highly migratory and could be around for any number of reasons. They have some bullshit conversation about how wolves have long-term memory "if driven by a primal urge" or something like that (I do not know but it sounded like complete nonsense and I'm sure my dog would agree). This is apparently relevant to whether Scott would be able to remember something he had done while wolfed out.

The vet says that this victim was not attacked by a wolf, though - a wolf would have gone for the throat and this guy has just been scratched badly. However, he has been scratched badly at the ankle, where Scott grabbed Allison in his dream. Dun dun dun.

After work, Scott brings dinner to his mother, who is working at the Beacon Hills hospital. She appreciates the gift but tells him that there's a curfew on and he is not getting the car for his date. Busted!

(So, in the movie Scott only has his dad, who owns a hardware store. In the show Scott only has his mom, who is a nurse. Talk about heteronormativity.)

Scott is about to leave when he suddenly realizes that he's in the same building as the guy who was attacked in the bus. Investigation time! He absconds to the guy's room and sneaks in.

Meyers is lying in bed, badly damaged but awake. Scott tries to talk to him, but he panicks and starts yelling. Scott's mom rushes in and throws him out while Meyers has a panic attack.

An indefinite amount of time later, someone from the sheriff's office pulls up to Derek's house. We learn that he has orders to ensure that the place is vacant (presumably because it's trashed), and that he's driven up here into the middle of the woods all alone to snoop around the home of the creepy angry man who lives in a burned-out wreck. Yes, there is no way this can possibly go wrong.

The guy seems to sense that he's in danger, as the sound of his own dog barking startles him. Still, he makes his way toward the house, while Derek stares at him from a broken window. Derek's eyes glow bright blue (a contrast to Scott's yellow), and the dog becomes frantic, snarling and trying to climb out through the window. That's enough for this guy, who leaves.

But Derek's day is not about to get better, as Scott walks up to the house almost immediately after the other guy left. Scott takes advantage of Derek's werewolf superpowers by talking to him in a normal conversational tone from the middle of the yard, and asks for Derek's help.

Astonishingly, Derek comes outside to talk to Scott. Scott admits that he has been a royal dick to Derek, and then tells him about the dream and the attack at school. Derek acts like Scott is wrong for assuming that he was the one who attacked the guy, but he doesn't elaborate; he does tell Scott when asked that he is liable to hurt or kill someone. Nice to have that cleared up.

Derek offers to help Scott learn to control his "gift," but there will be a cost. A cost which he will tell Scott at a later date after he has already agreed to pay it. For now, though, he just tells Scott to go back to the bus and check it out and that when he does he will know whether or not he is likely to injure Allison in the near future.

That night, Stiles drives Scott back to the school. They're about to sneak in when Scott tells Stiles to wait outside and keep watch. Stiles complains that he's starting to feel like the Robin to Scott's Batman. (Congratulations, Stiles, you understand how it works.) Scott claims otherwise, but Stiles doesn't buy it, and goes back to the Jeep to sulk while Scott climbs the fence and goes for the bus.

He closes his eyes, smells the air, and has a flashback to the night before when he had a particularly enraging dream and woke up partly transformed. The memory starts to set him off again, but he works to control himself as he goes to make a closer inspection. He touches the door (with his bare hand - oh, Scott, how lucky you are that the police finished checking the place out) and gets a flashback to the dream, then goes inside.

Inside the bus, Scott continues having flashbacks, as scenes from his dream intersperse with scenes of the same things happening to Meyers. He also sees himself throwing the seat from across the room (lolwut?) and flinches. Then he remembers something else - reaching out to a panicked Meyers and grasping his hand as though to help him get up.

Outside, a light starts flashing on school grounds and Stiles honks the horn to alert Scott. Scott also sees the light, and makes a break for it, using a convenient car as a platform to jump over the fence. (Bom-diddy-bom-de-dang-de-dang-diggy-diggy.)

While they make their escape, Scott tells Stiles what he remembered: that Derek had been on the bus, and that Scott had been there trying to defend Meyers. Which raises the question of why Derek would tell Scott how to remember that Derek attacked someone. Stiles brings up some nonsense about "a pack thing," then mentions how good it is to know that Scott wasn't the one who attacked Meyers. Scott agrees: now he can enjoy his date with Allison without worrying that something horrible is going to happen.

Stiles: "I was going to say it means you won't kill me."
Scott (in a kind of "I guess" tone): "Oh, yeah. That too."

In the next scene, Allison is getting ready for her... erm, "hang out." Lydia is there with her, giving advice on clothes. Lydia says no to virtually everything in Allison's closet, then tells her to wear this slinky black thing that is semitransparent and also has sequins - completely inappropriate for bowling. Knowing how manipulative Lydia can be I wouldn't be surprised if she's trying to accomplish something specific.

Just then, Allison's dad comes into the room. Lydia flirts with him (while I can't say that she has bad taste, the person who wrote this definitely does), but Mr. Argent ignores her. He tells Allison that she has to stay in tonight, because of the animal killing people and the curfew and yadda. He talks to her in the way that parents do that I find completely infuriating, but then he smiles and he is so goshdarn charming I cannot possibly be angry.

Lydia comments that "someone's daddy's little girl," then makes absolutely atrocious duckface while Allison contemplates the situation. Finally she makes a decision, and opens her bedroom window, climbs out onto an awning and does an impressive flip onto the ground. Sparrows, I think we have found the next Slayer. Unfortunately, the writers of Teen Wolf have put a firm kibosh on vampires for this show.

So they sneak out to the bowling alley. Allison has a history of bowling with her dad and takes the hobby fairly seriously, which flusters Scott who was last bowling when he was eight. Allison picks out a pink bowling ball (of course), while Lydia prepares to take her first shot... or... whatever it's called. I don't know; I only bowl on the Wii.

In a nod to the movie, Jackson helps Lydia to line up her shot by less-than-covertly feeling her up (oh, Jackson, you sexy beast), but as in the movie she gets a gutter ball. The next throw actually knocks out some pins, but she's not happy with her lack of skills. Then Allison goes up and gets a perfect strike. Jackson follows suit, flaunting his bishie gorgeousness all over the place and leaving Scott in the awkward position of having to live up to his lies.

I predict wolfination within the next minute.

Scott makes his first throw, which he way overdoes, resulting in an epic gutterball that gives Jackson much lulz. Allison and Jackson bicker about Scott's lack of skillz, and right before making his next throw Scott pleads to the heavens that he knock over just one pin.

And then gutters it again. No wolfination, just that irritating cheap camera trick from the first movie.

Over at the Food Mart, Derek is gassing up his car (we can tell it's Derek because, although the camera does not show his face, his leather jacket is looking especially angry) when two cars pull in, pinning his at the pump. Derek glowers at the cars, and one of the drivers gets out, sweet fatherly eyes strangely mismatched with a sneer. It is Mr. Argent.

Back at the bowling alley, Scott once again attempt to do something impressive with his ball. Allison, noticing his struggle, advises him to clear his head and think about something else - specifically, her naked. This gives Scott a raging hard-on - I mean, wolf-o-vision - and he suddenly makes a strike. Bow chicka wow wow.

Back at Food Mart, Derek manages to stare down all of the werewolf hunters and finish gassing his car at the same time. Mr. Argent waits until he's finished, then starts this passive-aggressive spiel about how great Derek's car is and he should take better care of it. He then starts washing Derek's windshield, which I am assuming is an aggressive move - first he insults his personal property, then starts exerting his will over it. Something like that. He tells Derek that he is very protective of the things he loves (i.e., Allison), then insults Derek for not having any living family members. Derek is pissed, and as Mr. Argent goes to walk away, he says that he forgot to check the oil. This does not faze Argent, who has a black belt in Calculated Posturing. He tells one of his men to check Derek's oil, and the guy smashes in the driver's side window and says it looks good to him. Argent tells Derek to drive safely and they leave.

At the bowling alley, Scott scores many strikes and Allison is most pleased. Jackson is not, and Lydia decides to mess with him, asking Scott to help her out with a throw. Scott declines, and she makes irritated duckface all the way to the aisle.

(Hey, look, guys! Our Scott has better judgment than the one in the movie! Aren't we clever.)

Jackson offers to help, but Lydia wants to go it alone. (Ooh. Burn.) She overacts a bit, lets the ball go, and bam! Strike. Apparently you don't actually have to be a werewolf to become a good bowler in five seconds. Actually, it turns out that Lydia is a great bowler, she just "does plenty of sucking for (Jackson's) benefit." Um... yeah. TMI, Lydia.

Jackson, butthurt, skulks off to go play some pinball. Scott follows him and tries to make pleasant conversation. Jackson is not interested in pleasant conversation, and accuses Scott of cheating at bowling. He doesn't think it's steroids anymore, but he's as determined as ever to find out what is giving Scott his amazing competitive edge. He then threatens to tell Allison what it is if/when he finds out, but compared to Argent he is a rookie at Aggressive Posturing.

Derek visits Meyers in the hospital. He tells Meyers to open his eyes, but Meyers is a stubborn person (or possibly asleep) and just lies there. Derek repeats the order, and tells Meyers to look at him; this time he complies. He asks Meyers what he remembers, but to his surprise Meyers knows who he is and keeps repeating two words: "I'm sorry."

Elsewhere, Scott's mother is getting ready to go home when she sees an alert for Meyers' room. She rushes inside and sees that he is dead. He doesn't have any new injuries, though, so how he died is a mystery.

Scott takes Allison home, and asks her if they can hang out again soon. She agrees, but says that she'd rather they go alone next time. SCOAR! They kiss, happy music plays, and Scott leaves a happy man. But! Allison's dad is in the house and he has seen them. Dun dun dun.

Back at Scott's house, his mother goes to tell him that she's going to bed, but he's not in his room. She starts to leave, then hears a thump and turns around. She sees a flailing figure in Scott's room and prepares to hit him with the baseball bat, but it's only Stiles. Apparently this is a common thing for him.

Stiles: "Do either of you even play baseball?"

Scott shows up during the commotion. His mother asks if either of them care that there's a curfew on, and when they say no, she gives up and leaves.

Once they're alone, Stiles tells Scott that Meyers is dead. This angers Scott, who goes to Derek's house to confront them (despite the fact that it is probably midnight by now - I have no idea when Scott sleeps, except between the hours of two and six). Finally, we get to see the inside of Derek's house! It's trashed, by the way.

He tells Derek that he knows what he did, but Derek says that he did nothing. He also reveals that he originally came to Beacon Hills to look for his sister, only to find that Mr. Argent had killed her and was trying to use her to get to Derek. Scott, ever the n00b, says he thinks Derek killed both of them and he is going to Tell Everyone. Who, I imagine, are all going to believe him because he has no evidence and so forth. This provokes Derek into throwing him down the stairs, which causes Scott to wolf out. He makes raeg face at Derek and throws him through a wall. Derek comments "That was cute," and wolfs out (in the same way as Scott.) For some reason, this dark-haired, beefy, leather-jacket-wearing guy with his monster face on reminds me of David Boreanaz.

And the Battle of The Muttonchops is on. Scott's agile, but Derek is both beefy and experienced. He bests Scott, and after they de-transform, tells him that he didn't kill anyone and it isn't either of their fault. Scott says that it is all Derek's fault - but he's not talking about the dead guy, he's talking about being a werewolf. Derek says he was not the one who bit Scott. Scott doesn't believe him at first, but then he has a flashback to the bus and realizes that the werewolf there was not Derek.

Derek says that the werewolf in question was an "Alpha," whereas Derek and Scott are Betas. All I know for sure about that is that it means that said werewolf is uber-powerful and has the ability to make more werewolves via biting. Derek explains that his sister was looking for that werewolf and now he's doing the same thing. But he needs Scott's help. Since the Alpha was the one who bit Scott, he's technically part of his pack, and he's trying to get ahold of him.

The camera makes a cheesy pan to a shot of glowing eyes in the forest. And end episode.

Well, this was exciting. We learned some more about the characters, especially Derek, and set up for something besides long-distance staring and bad assumptions (it's about time!) The black student from Episode 1 made a comeback, and two other black characters (the vet and the guy from the sheriff's) made appearances. Yet strangely, they are the only non-white characters in the show - no other races seem to exist in Beacon Hills. (Unless I'm missing something - if I am, please say so). They're also adult men, again. Cisgender, able-bodied, all that.

And what is up with Danny the gay goalie? Is he ever going to appear, or is he just going to be an ongoing joke for the straight main characters? What, what, what do they think they're doing with that character?

Once again, I feel like this episode was better than the last one, and they have gained my attention with Wolf!Derek. I will be looking forward to next week's episode.

Teen Wolf Review: Part Three - Episode 2

Sunday, the first episode of Teen Wolf airs.
Monday, it comes on the Internet and I get to see it.
Tuesday, I finish the review, check the Web site, and there's another episode up.

MTV, why do you torment me so?

Well, in the interest of promptness, I'm going to go ahead and watch and review it right now. Here's hoping that it brings more than the first episode.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

After a recap of the first episode, the story begins with Scott in the locker room getting ready to play some lacrosse. (I'm impressed - sports uniform and shirtless fanservices in one scene.) Stiles shows up and asks how things are going with Allison. Scott tells him that she accepted his apology, but there are bigger problems: her dad is the werewolf hunter who tried to kill him. This thought is enough to send Scott into a near-panic attack, but Stiles, who is a quick thinker and not easily distracted by Scott's heaving man-titties, tells him to focus on lacrosse to calm himself down. He does, and they go to practice.

Today, the coach is having the team members practice ramming into each other at high speeds. (I presume this is important.) Scott is sent out against Jackson, naturally, and fails rather spectacularly. The coach insults Scott, which cheeses him off and brings out his werewolf powers. (Apparently they're triggered by emotion, not moonlight.) This improves his game skills, but causes him to wolf out on the field, and Stiles drags him back to the lockers while Derek stares from the sidelines.

Stiles tries to help Scott, but it goes badly and he ends up running from him instead. Though not fully transformed, Scott is pretty much out of it, and does his violent-rampage thing until Stiles blasts him with a convenient fire extinguisher. Scott returns to normal, and then wants to know what happened. Stiles gives him an "I told you so," explaining that this is going to happen whenever Scott gets too angry. He tells Scott that he needs to stop playing lacrosse, because it is liable to keep setting him off in the future, but Scott refuses.

Cue splash screen.

That night, Scott arrives home and collapses onto his bed. His mother comes to his bedroom and lets him know that she'll be working extra again, but that she's taking off Saturday to attend his first lacrosse game. Turns out that Scott isn't so middle-class, either. With his dad out of the picture, his mother - who is their only source of income - has to pull extra shifts to keep them afloat. This really does make me appreciate my own privilege - sure, my family may be lower-class, but I have both of my parents and my dad gets paid a salary so he can actually take time off now and again without jeopardizing everyone.

Which doesn't change the fact that it's a huge cliché and does nothing to combat the unspoken notion that they would be living quite comfortably if only Dad was around to earn the income.

Anyway, Scott's mom is concerned about his health, because he looks like he hasn't been sleeping. Scott says it's stress, Mom thinks it might be drugs. They banter a bit without establishing whether Scott is actually using recreational drugs or not - presumably he isn't, but the issue here seems to be more about whether she trusts him not to be taking them. It's an interesting take on that type of scene.

After Mom leaves, Scott contacts Stiles via webcam and gets the scoop. Turns out that Jackson's shoulder was separated by the tackle and they don't know if he'll be able to play on Saturday, which means that Scott has no choice but to be there.

Suddenly, Stiles shuts up and gets a worried look on his face. Scott asks what's going on, and Stiles starts typing a message: "It looks like..." Scott tries to get him to finish the message, but the camera lags. When it resumes, he sees the words "Someone's behind you." Scott checks the feed from his webcam and sees a figure in the background - who lunges for him.

I. Shat. Brix. Well done, MTV.

The figure, who is in fact Derek, grabs Scott, and tells him that he saw what happened at lacrosse practice. He warns Scott that if he keeps transforming in front of people, he'll end up incurring the wrath of pretty much all of humanity, who will by extension go after Derek and various other, unseen, werewolves. (This, apparently, is the extent of Derek's brotherly love - stalk Scott and threaten him when he screws up.) He tells Scott that if he even tries to play in the lacrosse game, he will kill him. Um, gee, Derek, that's very helpful of you. Now do you mind giving the kid a hand with this whole werewolf thing? Just whenever you have some time in your busy schedule of "stalking him everywhere?"

I take back what I said about him in the previous episode; Derek's a dick. It's one thing to decide that Scott isn't his responsibility (though that's fairly dick too). It's another thing to declare him your "brother," then insist that he follow certain rules that you lay out while refusing to help him with anything. Yeesh, it's not like he can just find out how to be a responsible werewolf on the Internet.

The next day, Scott tries to tell the lacrosse coach that he can't play, but the coach won't have any of it. Scott says that he's having personal issues. The coach first asks him if it's a girl, then if it's a guy, mentioning that the team goalie is gay and makes an awkward attempt to set them up. Or something like that. After more awkwardness, Scott finally blurts out that he's having aggression issues, but that just encourages the coach, who threatens to bench him indefinitely if he doesn't play.

And things get worse: Scott's mom got the night off from work to see the game, and Allison has made plans for her, Scott, Jackson, Lydia, and Stiles to go out afterward.

The focus shifts to Allison, who opens her locker and finds the same jacket that was used to catch Scott the night of the party. From the look on her face, I'd say it's not supposed to be there. And from the Wolf-Cam at the end of the lockers, I would guess that Derek put it there and is stalking her while she eyeballs it. The bell rings before we can find out for sure.

Later, in algebra class, Scott is working at the chalkboard next to Lydia, who abruptly starts laying down the law. She's angry at him for injuring Jackson, and as restitution she demands that he play on Saturday to make sure the team wins. Her reasoning for this is stereotypically shallow and obnoxious - if they lose the game, then her boyfriend will be the captain of the losing lacrosse team and she can't date a loser. Scott tries to talk sense to her, but she threatens to introduce Allison to all of the good-looking lacrosse players. Have I mentioned that Lydia is blonde? Yes, she is the Blonde Bitch Queen stereotype at your service. Way to go, MTV.

Because teenage angst isn't enough to drive a show (astonishingly), Scott soon finds himself with more problems. He listens in on a conversation between a school faculty member and Stiles' father and learns that the police are planning on instituting a 9:30 curfew for everyone under the age of eighteen. Stiles, knowing that Derek was the one who killed the woman who became the corpse from the first episode, realizes that this isn't going to do any good, and thinks that if he can retrieve the other half of the body it will help to implicate Derek.

Scott is hesitant, but he has more pressing problems to worry about: Lydia is making good on her threat to introduce Allison to all of the guys on the lacrosse team. Now, I'm all for this. I think it's completely ridiculous of Scott that his feelings of entitlement toward Allison have reached the point where he's afraid that another person is going to steal her away from him - that's phenomenally messed up. But, this being Scott, he is jelly.

Then he sees Allison holding the jacket that Derek used to bait him, and tries to warn her about him, but this confuses Allison (possibly due to jelly vibes) and she leaves.

Scott embarkes on a rage-fueled bicycle ride to the burned-out shell of Derek's old house, where he somehow expects Derek to be. And what do you know, he's there. Scott tells Derek to leave Lydia alone, but Derek very sensibly points out that Scott is a n00b and for all he knows Lydia could know as much as her dad and actually be a threat to Scott. He then reminds Scott that if he transforms on the field he could well be lynched.

Scott goes home, where he meets up with Stiles. Apparently there was more to his meeting with Derek than werewolf posturing - about half a body more. Scott says that he could smell blood at the place and that there's something buried there. He has a plan to use the body to get Derek arrested, then figure out how to play lacrosse without transforming so he can make Saturday's game. Yeah, good luck with that.

For the second time in as many episodes, there is a comment about Stiles taking a lot of Adderall. Adderall is a stimulant medication used to treat ADHD and narcolepsy, which means that either Stiles has one of these conditions and is not being responsible with his medication, or he's abusing the drug to give himself boosts in certain situations. Either way, this obviously isn't healthy behavior and I hope the show doesn't continue to use it as a cheap running gag.

Part of Scott and Stiles' plan requires them to go to the Beacon Hills Hospital so that Scott can smell the blood of the dead woman's legs and make sure that it's a match to the body buried at Derek's place. While Scott is off looking for corpses to huff, Stiles sees Lydia, and decides to introduce himself to her. He gives her this ridiculous spiel about how he feels that they have a connection and should get together sometime, and when he's finished she reveals that she is wearing a wireless headset and didn't hear a word. He decides not to bother, and goes to wait for Scott instead.

Scott, meanwhile, gets into the morgue without difficulty. He finds the dead body's legs, but they creep him out and he locks them back up quickly. He forgets to cover them back up, though, which never has any consequences.

Back in the waiting room, Lydia meets up with Jackson. He says that he's been given a cortisone shot, presumably for his shoulder. Lydia tells him that he should take another one right before the game, then insults him for having a look on his face that suggests that he's against the idea, because Professionals Do It All The Time and he should want to be Professional, shouldn't he?

Stiles watches them make out and leave (hiding behind a book about the menstrual cycle - trololololol), and then Scott comes back and reports that the legs are a match. Also there are bite marks on them, which somehow means that they're going to need a shovel. What.

That night, Scott and Stiles wait for Derek to leave his house (apparently parts of it are liveable), and sneak up to the place. Scott notes that something is different from earlier, but he's not sure what it is, and they commence digging up the body. They find it and take off part of its covering - but to their surprise, they find that the torso belongs to a wolf.

They start to re-bury the remains, but stop when Stiles sees a wolfsbane plant in the ground nearby. He picks it up and discovers that it's attached to a length of rope, that has been wound several times around the grave and semi-buried. They pull up the rope, then Scott glances back into the hole and gets a shock. There is now a human torso in the grave.

The next day, Derek is arrested, taking time before he's put in the police cruiser to give Scott the stinkeye. Then Stiles decides it's a good idea to get into the cruiser with Derek and ask him various questions about the body, including the fact that she was able to transform into a full wolf. Derek refuses to answer, instead insisting that Stiles find a way to stop Scott from playing the Saturday lacrosse game.

Stiles' dad finds him in the car, drags him out, and starts asking questions. It comes out that Stiles was lying about being alone the night Scott was bitten. Stiles tries to sweet-talk his way out of it, but his dad just tells him to get out of the place.

As Stiles and Scott drive down the road, Scott checks Stiles' reference notes. He can't find anything about wolfsbane being used for burial, or the reason why the other werewolf could transform into a full wolf. But he doesn't particularly care, because he still has to figure out how to play lacrosse without changing during the game. Between this worry and Stiles' chattering, Scott starts to transform, but becomes sick because of the coiled-up wolfsbane rope sitting next to him. Stiles stops the car and ditches the rope, but when he turns around Scott is gone. He gets into the Jeep and starts looking for Scott, even calling the police dispatcher, who is not amused by his queries of "a dog-like person." Then he sees one of the pictures that he printed out, of a hulking werewolf holding a beautiful woman.

Yeah, I can tell where this is going. I wish these shows would stop treating silly artwork like it's some kind of accurate depiction of werewolf behavior. Ain't Stiles ever heard of "hyperbole?"

Cut to Allison's house, where Scott is (naturally) climbing around on her roof. He's watching her in her bedroom until she closes the curtains, at which point he sees his reflection in the window, freaks out, and falls off the house. (I am not making this up.) And where should he land, but right in front of Mr. Argent's car? Ooh, Lorraine's not going to be happy about this. I mean Allison.

Fortunately, by the time they meet, Scott has returned to normal. And Allison shows up, which fairly well prevents Mr. Argent from doing anything to him even if he does suspect that Scott is the werewolf. Which he apparently does, because he has decided that it is a good idea to attend Scott's lacrosse game.

In the next scene, Scott's getting ready for the game, but his werewolf senses are going haywire and he is nervous. Stiles pops by to make a last-ditch attempt to talk him out of playing. Scott confesses that the main reason he's doing it is because he wants "a freakin' normal life." I could gripe again about how ridiculous these people's standards for "normal" are and that he should just get over it, but the truth is, I understand. I really do. Probably because I've done the whole "young adult outcast guy" thing, and it freaking sucks knowing that you've missed out on doing all these things that are practically rites of passage for everyone else. So I'll skip the lecture.

Failing to talk him out of playing, Stiles tries to give Scott a pep talk to keep him calm, but this doesn't go over so well.

As the team gets ready to play, Lydia threatens Scott while the coach tells Jackson to keep playing no matter what. Way to go, guys. Frankly, I think that Lydia should break up with Jackson and date the coach. In fact, I am going to declare them my OTP right now. They deserve each other. (That, and it would free up Jackson to date Scott.)

The game starts, and Scott is putting his all into staying calm and not wolfing out all over the place. And it works, for a while. But then things start going downhill. Jackson knocks Scott to the ground just to get at the ball, then orders his teammates to pass the ball to him no matter what. (Ah, the archetypical self-absorbed team captain.) Meanwhile, Scott sees Lydia and Allison holding a sign that says "We Luv U, Jackson!" And the sneaky hate spiral kicks in.

Fortunately for the many squishy and easily-destructible civilians around, he is able to channel his aggression. He employs his werewolf superpowers to sink an easy goal, then snatches the ball later on by making wolf-face at one of the enemy teammates. Afterwards, he flings the ball so hard that it burns through the goalie's stick net. (Yes, really. I don't even know how that is possible.)

The teams are now tied, and presumably one more point will net them the win. But things aren't going so awesome for Scott. His wolf-o-vision has kicked in and he's growling at the other players, which can't be a good sign. But he manages to hang on long enough to score a final goal, winning the game and scoring mad bitchez. I mean, Allison.

But he can't stay. He's partially transformed, and he needs to go somewhere nice and uninhabited to deal with this problem before carrying on. Mr. Argent, who has been eyeballing him the entire game, finds this suspicious and stares meaningfully at nothing in particular. (He can do that, because he's JR Bourne.)

Meanwhile, Stiles' dad gets an ominous phone call.

Scott lurches off into the locker room, but Allison follows him. He sees himself transforming in a mirror, and in true Vampire Hulkwolf fashion smashes it so he doesn't have to see his own furry face. Allison hears the sound and comes after him, so he hides in the rafters and scopes her out in wobbly salmon. She keeps looking for him, but she breathes so loud you could shoot her in the dark, so it's a cinch for Scott to avoid her until he is able to de-wolfinate. They have a nice, meaningful talk, then make with the smoochies.

Allison leaves Scott, who is blissfully sillyheaded until Stiles comes in and tells him that Derek's been let out of jail, since the evidence showed that the dead woman was killed by an animal. Also, the body has been identified and she is in fact Derek's sister.

Back on the lacrosse field, Jackson decides to do some detective work. He picks up a glove that Scott had dropped on the field before leaving and discovers that there are holes in the fingertips where Scott's super-wolf-nails broke through. Then he turns and gets a glimpse of Derek, who - guess what? - stares at him for a few seconds before walking away.

Something tells me he's not going to be too happy with Scott next episode.

And that's the end of Episode 2. So, how did it stack up?

Well, the first thing I want to talk about is the coach. See, I really should hate the coach. He's the kind of douchebag whom writers put into shows as some kind of comic relief - he's inconsiderate and tactless, you know, it's funny. Except that aside from the palpable sense of awkwardness, there's never really anything done to explain why his behavior is bad or discourage other people from acting that way. He's a total waste of writing space.

But honestly, I think he's hilarious. Reasons are twofold: firstly, he reminds me of people I know who tend to do the same kind of thing, and secondly, he's way worse than any of them. It's relieving to me to see a situation that I can relate to, yet is so over-the-top that it makes what I deal with seem like small potatoes.

However.

I am not amused by the writers' decision to make the one character who is known for being a socially inappropriate asshole the one guy who would be totally cool if Scott was gay. What, are we saying that he's too tactless to realize that being accepting of someone's sexual orientation and willing to talk about the subject is ew, awkward? Really? That is so offensive that it's practically in the fourth dimension. Also, I am still noting that your only gay "character" is never seen on screen, much less heard from.

Stiles is starting to get on my nerves. Basically for the same reason that Scott does: they both have a bad case of Dunning-Kreuger disease. Neither of them know very much about werewolves at all - much less murder and law and other such things - yet they still think it's appropriate to start taking all of this stuff into their own hands. I realize that Scott's motivations for getting Derek arrested were strictly based on wanting to play lacrosse - which is even worse, to be honest. Going to jail isn't a walk in the park, even for a spooky tough guy like Derek.

Speaking of which, Derek creeps me the fuck out. I have sworn not to compare this series to Twilight, but the way Derek stands around all the time and shoots creepy stares at everyone is putting me in mind of Robert Pattinson's omnipresent glareface and it is really getting annoying. And does the guy have anything better to do than stalk Scott and threaten him periodically? I don't think so.

Beyond that, blarg, teenage angst, blarg hetfest, om nom nom JR Bourne, it wasn't as obnoxious as the first episode and I actually did enjoy watching it, the end.

Teen Wolf Review: Part Two - Episode 1

Now that I've gotten the film summary out of the way (which involved seeing it again - sweet baby cheeses, I had bad taste when I was thirteen) it's time for me to start with the actual TV show. Please, please let this be better.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

The first episode of Teen Wolf is the introductory episode. It starts with a brief shot of some policemen, followed by a close-up of a guy fixing his lacrosse stick. This guy is our hero, Scott McCall. (They kept the first name from the movie, but changed the last name. Why, I couldn't say.) Scott, whose bare chest is sure to please a significant majority of the audience, is in the midst of getting ready for bed when he suddenly stops. He hears something! He grabs a baseball bat and ventures out onto his porch, where his best friend "Stiles" Stilinsky (same name as the film this time) surprises him by hanging upside-down from the awning.

Stiles has news to share: two joggers found half of a body in the woods, and the police are combing the area looking for the other half. Suggesting a role as the Designated Troublemaker/Sidekick Who Drags Scott Into Things, Stiles thinks that it would be a great idea to go into the woods in the middle of the night and try to find the body. Scott is nervous, but the sheer awesomeness of searching for a dead body in the middle of the night overrides his good sense and off they go.

As Scott and Stiles walk through the woods together, we learn a little more about what's going on. Scott is an aspiring lacrosse player, but has never actually been an active part of the team. Not because he has no skills or Michael J. Fox's build (more on that later) but because he has asthma. Yes, asthma. Scott, the Lead Character, is actually disabled. Well, I say "actually," but as I have seen such films as Spider-Man, it's obvious that he will be cured by the end of the episode, since he'll be a werewolf and all. God forbid a werewolf have an actual physical impediment that stops him from performing amazing physical feats at the writers' whim.

(Also, I'm fairly sure that inhalers are not meant to be used that way. Could be wrong.)

Scott and Stiles end up running into the police (no surprise there). Scott evades them by hiding behind a tree, but Stiles is caught by his dad (who is one of the local policemen), and after a quick-thinking bluff convinces said dad that Scott is asleep at home, they depart the scene, leaving Scott alone in the forest.

Fans of werewolf stories will know exactly where this is going: He's a-gettin' bit tonight. Because, unlike the original Teen Wolf protagonist, Scott was not born as a werewolf. Oh, there are still werewolves who were born that way - they're the other werewolves, the pack of real outcasts whose members' activities led to Scott being bitten. Scott, on the other hand, has to be made into a werewolf so that we can really feel the contrast between "normal" humans and the magical-super-awesome-sexy-outcasts. I'm not saying that the writers out and said "No, we can't have him born a werewolf, nobody will relate to him" but there's something disingenuous about making the protagonist one of the only werewolves in the story to be converted rather than born. Something that says Wish Fulfillment Fantasy Plus Cheap Metaphor For Puberty, while simultaneously Othering the characters who are best equipped to tell the story of what being a werewolf is actually like.

(Oy, this is starting to sound like a bizarre alternate-reality post. I promise there is a point to in-depth discussion of the treatment of werewolves.)

Anyway, Scott does get bitten, but first he is nearly trampled by a herd of rampaging deer and loses his inhaler. While searching for the inhaler, he stumbles upon the lost half of the dead body. He panicks, falls down a hill, and catches the attention of a werewolf, who decides to eat him. The werewolf gets in one good bite (natch) before Scott manages to break loose and run to the nearest road, where a close encounter with a car is presumably what scares the werewolf away. Scott lifts his shirt to discover a strangely neat-looking bite on his side, and then the logo screen flashes and it's time for the commercial break.

The episode resumes the next day at Scott's high school. A sign shows the name of the town to be "Beacon Hills" - in my opinion, a considerable improvement over the strangely Stepfordian "Beacontown," although it still sounds suspiciously like a Christian publishing company.

Scott is innocently dismounting his bike when a car pulls into the parking space next to him. You can tell just from the way he drives that Jackson has an attitude problem, and his tendency to harass Scott for absolutely no good reason confirms it. He deliberately hits Scott with his car door, then tells him to "watch the paint" before he is called off by one of his friends. Scott reacts to this encounter with a clueless stare that we are liable to become acquainted with as the show progresses.

Scott and Stiles meet up, and after showing off his nifty wound (which is now dressed), Scott tells Stiles that he was attacked by a wolf. Stiles asserts that this is absurd, because there are no wolves in California. Their conversation is interrupted by the arrival and departure of Lydia Martin, a classmate for whom Stiles apparently has the hots. She wants nothing to do with him, which can only mean a future hetfest of longing, male entitlement issues, etc. wherein the authors make it clear that she is meant for him and there's nothing to be done about it.

Stiles blames the fact that Lydia wants nothing to do with him on Scott, who is apparently a nerd. I'm not buying it. Firstly, a "nerd" is defined as someone who has socially-unapproved hobbies. Scott is into friggin' lacrosse! And I'm not buying that he's this Horrible Social Misfit, either. Sure, he has asthma, but he also has a great body, no socially unacceptable hobbies to speak of, and he is a fine-looking specimen of manhood. This is totes unrealistic and offensive. I'm not saying that there aren't attractive and/or fit nerds out there, but there's generally something about us (obesity, bad fashion sense, Pokémon fanaticism) that makes us truly odious to mainstream sensibilities. Scott doesn't make the cut.

The conversation ends and Scott goes to class - where, as he has just been bitten, his Weird Werewolf Powers start to kick in. Specifically, he hears a cell phone ringing outside the school. The phone belongs to a mysterious, and very conventionally beautiful, new classmate who bemoans to her mother that she cannot find her pen.

A few minutes later, the young woman comes to class and is introduced: she's the new student, Allison Argent. (I see what you did there, writers.) I'm not sure why they're making a big deal of her being new since this is the first day of school, but Unnamed Administrator Dude wants everyone to make her feel welcome anyway. Scott jumps on the ball by giving her a pen, earning a smile that cements her relationship as Future Love Interest. Gee. They didn't even try to write Boof into this version.

Out in the conspicuously empty halls, Scott is doing stuff at his locker when his super-hearing detects a conversation some yards down. Lydia is talking to Allison, and it looks like they're hitting it off. We learn that Lydia is Jackson's boyfriend (sound familiar?) and that they will be attending a party the next evening. Allison bluffs her way out of it by saying that Friday is "Family Night."

In the midst of their conversation, a fellow student walks over to Scott and Stiles and wonders why it is Lydia is all over Allison. Stiles explains that it's because they're good-looking; "beautiful people herd together." By which he means "delicate white people herd together," given that there is nothing unattractive about the black female student who poses the question. Well, except that she isn't wearing three layers of makeup and post-filming airbrushing.

Cut to lacrosse practice. For some ridiculous reason, both Scott and Stiles are on the team, yet neither of them have ever played. This day, however, Scott is determined to earn a place on the field - especially when Allison arrives with Lydia to watch practice. Tell me, does anyone else think that a large, bleeding werewolf bite might make it uncomfortable for Scott to play lacrosse today? No? Allrighty then.

(Fun fact: Lacrosse was invented by Indigenous Americans. It was later appropriated by European Americans, because it is a kick-ass sport and white people have a rather fractured concept of personal property.)

The coach, who is like the brilliantly douchey lovechild of the coach from the original Teen Wolf and Matthew Perry, tells Scott to play goalie for practice, because "landing a few shots will boost (the other teammates') confidence." As Scott prepares to play, Allison asks Lydia who he is, but Lydia says that she doesn't know.

The coach blows the whistle, and Scott goes down, because sensitive hearing doesn't do so hot against loud whistles. (Finally, something about this guy I can sympathize with.) One of the players throws a ball, and the disoriented Scott takes it in the face, earning the jeers of his teammates. He collects himself and prepares to do some serious goal-defending.

And of course he's amazing at it. I'm not sure how being a werewolf grants you magical lacrosse skills; my guess is that it has something to do with Spider-Man, because for some inexplicable reason super-reflexes are considered a vital part of every Superhuman power package. The music goes bom-de-bom-de-dang-de-dang-diggy-diggy, and finally Scott passes the ball to some guy, and of course it is a perfect throw over an incredible distance despite the fact that IRL wolves have absolutely no life demands that could cause them to develop amazing long-distance aim. They live in forests, for Pete's sakes. The writers, however, refuse to let logic get in the way of Scott doing amazing physical things, and send it the way of his asthma.

Later, in the forest, Scott tells Stiles about what's been going on. While his newfound powers are pretty frikkin' awesome, he is concerned that they might be a side effect of something very bad, perhaps something that could potentially kill him. Stiles apparently gets an idea, and tells him that he's heard of it and it's a specific kind of infection.

Scott: "Are you serious?"

Stiles: "Yeah. I think it's called... lycanthropy."

Scott (horrified): "What's that? Is that bad?"

Scott is such a nerd that he doesn't even know what lycanthropy is. I almost feel sorry for him. And yet... and yet... he's so cute when he's clueless.

Stiles explains lycanthropy, and Scott is cheesed at him for making such Completely Ridiculous Jokes. Yes, completely ridiculous. Stiles, how could you? (Links to MyFaceWhen.)

They reach the spot where Scott saw the body, but it's gone. Disappointed, Scott hopes to at least find his inhaler, but while he's looking for it, a mysterious, scowling man in black leather appears. The man tells Scott and Stiles that they are on private property. They apologize and say they were "looking for something." Still scowling, the man throws Scott his inhaler and walks away.

After he leaves, a shocked Stiles tells Scott who they've just met: Derek Hale, a local who moved away from Beacon Hills after his entire family was killed in a fire.

The next scene has Scott holed up at the local animal clinic. Apparently he works there, and that's where he's been treating his wound to avoid being caught. Cue shirtlessness. Scott takes off his bandage and finds that the bite has completely healed, without so much as a scar. God forbid any inconvenient marks mar our hero's perfect torso, eh?

Scott tries to feed the cats in the clinic (of which there is a surprisingly high amount), but as soon as he walks into the room they all spaz out, and after being creeped out for a few moments he leaves. Then he gets another surprise: Allison is at the clinic. She was driving down the road when she hit a dog, and wants Scott to make sure it's all right. She is understandably freaked out, but Scott employs his trained veterinarian calm, and has her take him to the dog. Which is in her car. She hit a strange dog, then decided to pick it up and put it in her car. Way to go, Allison.

They open the trunk, and the dog freaks out and starts barking. (So, why exactly didn't she bite Allison sooner?) Scott assures Allison that the dog is just scared, and decides to try and calm her down. He stares at the dog and his eyes glow (an effect which has definitely improved since the movie). The dog calms down. They bring her inside, and Scott offers a dry shirt to Allison, who has been soaked by the rain. After getting an eyeful of her back, he treats the dog for her injuries, and then they talk. Allison is embarrassed because she "freaked out like a total girl." Scott helpfully tells her, "You are a girl." She says that she freaked out like a girly-girl, and she just isn't a girly-girl. Scott reassures her by telling her that if it had been him he would have freaked out like the girliest girl who ever girled. They bond.

Yes, kiddies, if you want to impress women you should definitely start by reinforcing their internalized misogyny. I don't know what the most frustrating part of this scene is: the idea that high emotional expression is directly correlated to femininity, or the idea that acting like/being perceived as someone super-feminine is "pathetic." Or the idea that high emotional expression is "pathetic." How about all of the above?

While Allison pets the now-friendly dog, Scott gives her a sideways glance that is about as subtle as a bulldozer. Whoa there, fella. Try not to let your tongue loll as you stare.

Well, it turns out that Allison has an Invisible Eyelash on her cheek, which Scott gently wipes away for her. D'aww.

As Allison leaves the clinic, Scott asks her about Family Night, and learns that it is in fact a total lie. (No surprise there.) He invites her to the party - the one which I'm pretty sure he wasn't invited to - and she accepts. Scoar!

Scott falls into bed happy (dig the moonlit bare chest, there), and then wakes up in the forest. One of the classic signs of lycanthropy, natch. While wandering around, he spies The Wolf, and they engage in either a chase scene or a footrace. Scott, desperate not to get eaten, jumps a fence and lands in someone's pool. Way to go, Scott.

At school, Scott is getting ready to play lacrosse when Jackson confronts him at his locker. He demands that Scott tell him where he's getting his chemical enhancers (a nice touch, since the original film was a thinly-veiled allegory for exactly that.)

Jackson: "Where. Are. You. Getting. Your. Juice?"
Scott: "My mom does all the grocery shopping."
Jackson: "No, listen, McCall. You're going to tell me exactly what it is and who you're buying it from, because there's no way in Hell you're out there kicking ass on the field like that without some sort of chemical boost."
Daylight glimmers.
Scott: "Oh, you mean steroids! ...You want steroids?"

Cue his Innocent Face of Innocence. Great Scott, kid, did you grow up under a rock? You are simultaneously frustrating and adorable.

Jackson gets physical, leading Scott to confess everything. Jackson is not impressed, and vows to find out what Scott's secret is, "no matter how long it takes." I'm going to bet he stumbles upon some Evil Werewolves further down the line and gets himself bitten.

Scott is just about to play when Stiles runs up to him. He tries to tell Scott that the police have confirmed that a wolf was responsible for the dead body, but Scott is busy getting his game on. The coach delivers a strangely unmotivational pep talk, ending in the line "everything else is cream cheese" - a nod to the coach in the movie.

The tryout starts. Scott is baffled at first by all the action on the field, but gets the hang of it and manages to score a goal, using some amazing werewolf stunts. (Apparently wolves are also gymnasts.) The coach is impressed and declares that Scott will be playing this year - first line, even. Jackson is unamused, and pulls off his helmet in frustration, flaunting his bishie sparkle and John Barrowman-esque good looks. Dang, guy, it's a shame you're the designated villain.

This turn of events concerns Stiles, who decides to head home and do some research. He searches for a bunch of stuff, including silver bullets, Lycaon, and wolfsbane. Astonishingly, his search results actually look like legit information, rather than the usual invented crap that writers are fond of employing. His research is interrupted by Scott, and he takes the opportunity to tell him that he thinks he may, in fact, be a real werewolf. Furthermore, he suspects that there may be an entire pack of werewolves in the area, one of whom might have bitten Scott. Scott denies this possibility, but Stiles brings up everything that's happened - plus the fact that Scott no longer needs his inhaler. Told you so. (Links to MyFaceWhen.)

Actually, wait, how does he know Scott no longer needs his inhaler? Did he just stop taking his medication? That is a phenomenally bad idea.

Anywho, Scott is pissed. He accuses Stiles of trying to ruin his life. Stiles explains that he's just worried because the full moon is happening that night, and it apparently gives werewolves an "urge to kill." Scott comments, "I'm already feeling an urge to kill." Oh, so witty.

Stiles will not give up, and attempts to break up Scott's date with Allison. This makes Scott very angry, and he starts to attack Stiles, but realizes what he's doing and takes it out on the office chair instead. Scott leaves and Stiles looks at the chair, which now has claw marks in the back. Dun dun dun.

Back at home, Scott is getting ready for the party (shirtless again) when he runs into his mother. Holy cow, he actually does have a parent! Mom is completely cool with the whole "going to a party with Allison" thing, and is ready to turn Scott loose until he misinterprets something she said, at which point she decided to give him the safe sex talk first. Despite this setback, Scott makes it to Allison's house and they go to the party together.

Per usual, the party is one of the really lousy kind with loads of people you don't even know dancing badly to pop music. (At least it doesn't have a sex raffle.) Scott is all set to enjoy himself when he catches sight of Derek, who is standing alone and staring meaningfully at him. Before he can do anything, though, Allison distract him with the suggestion of food, and when he looks back Derek is gone and there's something blurry running across the roof.

Scott and Allison start dancing (what, no food?) but Scott is distracted by Lydia and Jackson, who are making out. Allison gets Scott's attention with smoochies of her own, and he starts groping at her clothes. (I don't know if this is a visual allusion to Teen Wolf Too or just a coincidence.) Suddenly he starts feeling all funky, tells Allison that he'll "be right back," and leaves the party. Douche.

I have to say, however decent the production values have been for the rest of this episode, the camera effect used during this scene is terrible. And not just because it makes me sick to watch. It looks like something that you would see in an amateur film on YouTube.

Allison sees Scott leave, and is all kinds of worried. But never fear, Derek is here! He introduces himself as a "friend of Scott's," and tries not to look scary. Your mileage may vary on his success.

Back at his house, Scott is not doing so well. He staggers his bedroom, closes the door, and gets a convenient glimpse of the full moon through his bedroom window. OH NOES! For some reason, he decides that an appropriate course of action is to go into his bathroom, turn on the shower and sit in his bathtub (without his shirt, of course.)

The water calms him down, but it doesn't stop the pain. Scott's head goes thirty kinds of wiggy as he starts to transform. First his fingernails become fantastic claws, and then he looks in the mirror to find that he's got some fantastic werewolf fangs, and his eyes flash bright orange.

Suddenly, Stiles arrives. Scott refuses to let him into the bedroom, but does tell him that Derek is the werewolf who bit him. This concerns Stiles, who saw Derek drive Allison home from the party (since Scott stiffed her a ride). He goes to check on Allison, while Scott jumps out his bedroom window and presumably goes to do the same thing. First, though, he's got to finish transforming. There's a close-up shot of his ear growing, which is presumably a shout-out to a similar shot from the original (which itself was taken from An American Werewolf In London).

Scott takes off through the forest, still shirtless. He is now fully transformed, and while his werewolf form looks significantly less like a miniature Bigfoot, it looks disappointingly like "the Wolfman, but even more human." I watched the supplemental material for this show; the artists were specifically trying to create "a werewolf you can kiss." Or, in other words, a werewolf who doubles as a sex object. Really, guys. Is there any demographic you will not objectify for money? (Answer: no.)

Scott also has special "wolf vision," which is a weird salmon color and also blurry. What.

Stiles makes it to Allison's house, and finds out - Shock! Horror! - that she is home completely safe. Well, there's an anticlimax. Meanwhile, Scott is running through the forest when he spies Allison's jacket. (Presumably he was following her scent and went in the wrong direction.) It's a trap! Suddenly, he is ambushed by... Derek, who pins him to the ground and warns him to be quiet, then advises him to run instead. Scott starts to run, but a flare disrupts his wolf-o-vision, disorienting him long enough to get shot by an arrow that pins his arm to a tree. Yeouch.

Turns out he's been shot by a werewolf hunter, played by the surprisingly sexy JR Bourne. It's been a while since I saw him in Stargate SG-1, and I have to say the years have done him well. He's all set to take Scott down, but Derek comes to the rescue, taking out Bourne's minions and pulling the arrow from Scott's arm. They escape; Bourne is pissed.

Elsewhere in the forest, Scott stops running and detransforms. Derek explains the situation, cheesing Scott off when he refers to werewolves as "us." Scott is not pleased about the whole werewolf thing. Derek scoffs at his petty pessimism, and tries to make him see how wonderful being a werewolf is. Yeah right. This is white wish fulfullment fantasy at its best. According to Spike, a real person in Derek's shoes would most likely be doing the opposite - trying to fend off overexcited would-be werewolves by telling them about the challenges they face. You know, challenges like being hunted all the time, being assumed not to exist, etc. Considering their werewolfhood to be a gift is one thing; being all too happy to spread it to random teenagers and then demanding they embrace it is just nonsense.

Derek tells Scott that "we're brothers now." Of course. I want to make it clear at this point how lucky Scott is. Contrary to what the writers imply with this exchange - that any born werewolf would be just peachy keen bringing a bitten into the pack because of some Werewolf Solidarity - I seriously doubt that just anyone would reach out like that. Sure, it's the responsible and decent thing to do, but people on the whole tend to avoid the "responsible and decent" schtick. Especially since Scott is liable to n00b all over the place, flaunt every remaining piece of non-werewolf privilege he has, and generally act like an obnoxious dick for a while.

Derek leaves, and Scott staggers home. Or tries to. He's still in the forest come daybreak, when Stiles picks him up with his Jeep. Despite having just turned into a werewolf and gotten shot, what Scott is really worried about is Allison, whom he ditched at the party. (Yeah, now his conscience kicks in.) Stiles gives him some bad advice, then says that if he has to he'll chain Scott up in his basement and feed him live mice on the full moons. This gives Scott lulz.

Next Monday at school, Scott meets Allison, who asks him what happened. She gives him good lie-fuel by asking if he got sick or what, but Scott instead says that he can't tell her and that she'll just have to trust that he had a good reason. Okay, that's not cryptic or frustrating at all, dude.

She decides to give him a second chance anyway (couldn't possibly be because he's adorable, nope nope nope). Then her dad comes to pick her up, and before they leave Scott catches a glimpse of the man's face. It's the werewolf hunter! Yes, our mysterious Bourne is actually Mr. Argent, father of Scott's true love. Oh, the doom and agony.

The screen flashes "To Be Continued," and the episode ends.

So, overall, what did I think of this episode?

Well, it's pretty damn good for a TV pilot. They actually had some budget to work with, which helped. Stiles is a character that I could definitely grow to like, and most of the cast members are adorable. JR Bourne gives me feelings of happiness as well.

However...

I am not happy with the casting choice for Scott McCall. The original Teen Wolf was played by Michael J. Fox, a short and kind of dweeby guy who fit the role very well. His replacement, Tyler Posey, is 5'10 and about as conventionally attractive as they come, yet we're supposed to believe that he has the same kind of problems (unpopularity, etc.) as the original character. Not only is this unrealistic, but it sends the message that someone who is not physically up to standard isn't good enough for the leading role. Never mind that in the 80's, this slight, goofy guy was considered good enough to have the leading role in an action trilogy. Now he isn't even good enough to play the "unpopular" guy. Who, by the way, is so unpopular that he has even fewer friends than Scott did in the movie. Characters like Chubby and Lewis, who could have been given significant roles, have instead been completely written out.

On the same note, what the Hell happened to Boof? She's completely gone from the story, replaced by the much more conventional Allison (bearing in mind that Boof was pretty damn conventional to begin with). Now, I won't deny that Allison's cute, but she is severely lacking in Boof's indie charm, and she has none of the history with Scott that made the original pairing as enjoyable as it was. (Yes, within the context of a terrible movie.) Again, we get the message that the old character isn't Good Enough.

This theme is repeated throughout the show. Several plot points of the original film are replaced with other, equally or more clichéd, elements - and for ridiculous or nonexistant reasons. Suddenly Scott isn't born a werewolf, he's turned into one. His Affable Werewolf Dad is gone, but his serious human mom is suddenly in the picture. Instead of being one of the best members of a shitty sports team, he's now a downtrodden benchwarmer on a good team. His primary antagonist has gone from being the captain of the rival team to being the captain of his team. Etc. These changes aren't all bad - some of the really clichéd elements, like the Underdog Sports Team and the Best Friend Who Secretly Wants You didn't really need to be dredged up again, but instead of actually engaging with those tropes and making something interesting, the writers just swapped them out for a different set.

And of course, the show is a whitefest. The lead actor, Tyler Posey, is mixed race (IMDB describes him as having "Irish, English, and Mexican" ancestry), and that's great, but there's nothing to imply that the character he plays is anything short of 100% white, and the rest of the cast follows suit. There are two non-white characters, both black, and each of them gets about two lines of dialogue. And it's about that hetero, except that there are no apparent non-straight characters at all. (Well, I have my suspicions about the way Jackson was looking at Scott, but that's wishful thinking on my part.)

In a nutshell: It's not great, it's not groundbreaking, and aside from loads and loads of fanservice and decent special effects there's not really a compelling reason to watch. Damn, I just harshed my own buzz, and now I don't even want to go watch the second episode.

Remember, Cam, there are werewolves. And sexy. And Stiles. And Scott's adorable innocent face. And JR Bourne.

Yeah, that'll about do it.